simple heart

learning to calm down when i'm suppose to be heat-up.

learning to treat the same thing with different heart.

learning to do the same thing with simple mind.

learning how to learn thing with a learning heart.

i'm a learner. 0-0

学以致用

我想,这才是我的最大弱点吧.

未来,等着吧!

Mood to blog

hmm...

wonder when is the next time my mood to blog will comes.

stay tuned.

assignments~

some new insights gained in the midst of doing assignments or, should i say, assignment.

learning, and make adaptation accordingly.

wish next time will be better.

should be reflective, for self-discovery to happen.

we shall see again.

academically relevent

maybe i should write something regarding on human personality.

maybe..

stay tuned then.

Counselling session

i've disclosed more and more in my counselling sessions.

wondering whether that could be contagious in the end or not.

contagious in the sense that i am addicted in sharing,

sharing my personal life so much, to another third party that

i don't even closed to.

but it is definitely a great insight while in the process.

i see so much things in myself that i never really care and aware of.

i thought those things wouldn't be impacting my life so much,

to the degree that i might acted deviant sometimes.

not to the extreme to committing a crime of course,

but some other thing that i don't do it usually.

it seems to be pathetic that we can learn ourself only through the visual glass from others.

i am still learning to evaluate myself instead of that i need to adjust my self-esteem accordingly to the judgments of others all this while.

like it or not, it has been my ways of doing it since like nobody's years.

the matter of truth is that, can i really make it?

self-efficacy plays a crucial roles, definitely.

but is just that i don't really think i am capable of thinking in that way.

a little of deception need to be done.

self-hypnosis too, perhaps.

still and keep exploring, the life of a human.

Blog walker?

There are more and more "blog walker" stopby and just simply leave a message in order for me to go back to their site for them to get traffic.

Nice tactic but when the intention is reveal, I feel disappointed.

I feel my back-up stamina had been took for use.

Maybe I spent too much time and energy on some sort of unnecessary arguments.

As well unnecessary intra-psychic confrontation to each other.

Need other kind of musics to stimulate me more.

The usual songs that I listened to work no more as well to me.

Wonder why too.

What kind of musics and songs that I am searching for, I hope to have an answer too.

Rather than searching for it, why don't I create it myself?

Wow! Good idea.

But how? I don't know how to play musical instrument, nor I have any musical basic.

Even do re mi fa so are still sound strange for me.

Pick it up? Oh sure. Let's see what can I do.

some little pondering

thought of this thing a little when my gf voiced out : "you put friends before me",

which in fact, I never put anyone before anyone but merely thinking of the best plan in terms of saving cost, time and etc.

But then it did guides me to thinking about whether which comes to first.

Logically speaking, my friends or especially some best friend which I knew since primary school, as I described, they were with me more than 14 years.

Although it is not very long, but it is neither too short.

A 14 years and more friendship is not something easy to maintain and to give up or let go so easily.

Like any kind of relationship, the more time you invested in, the deeper the relationship are.

It is not that kind of relationship that can be merely explains by the word "friendship".

It is something more.

It is then you grow up, you attracted to girls, or girls attracted to boys, or boy to boy, or girl to girl. Whatever it is, you start a romantic relationship.

It is commonly seen that people stepped out from their "friend"ship, and immersed themselves in the shower of love.

Then I wonder,

if your girl or boy saying you spent more time with your friends more than them,

is it something really intolerable?

A 14 years+ r'ship vs. maybe few months or weeks r'ship,

14 wins by number.

But then years of r'ship do not equivalent to the bonding; more years doesn't mean you are more close to each other.

And think about it again,

when your-another-half saying so,

why not the friends saying the same things as well?

I believe they do have the right to complain about friends become substitution when you are attached.

Frankly speaking, they are the one who also accompany through the pain, the happiness,

your moment of grief, your moment of loneliness.

They still spent time with you crazy-ing around, giving you advice,

support you financially when you are in deep shit and needed help.

they are there when your tears are all over the shirt and still sobbing wanted to leave the house.

And because of them, you are still in your house, and grateful that you never make that silly mistake.

Wow. I never thought that they are so significant until I really said it all out.

The best way should be the combination of both?

Win-win solution are definitely with the ability to balance up both.

I don't really care who comes first or another, as they are equally important to me.

I can lose neither.

Even if that stupid question arise again, asking who to save first when both of them are drop into the sea, I might as well drown myself too. Or perhaps, I will use the so-sweet-answer, to save my friends and jump back into the sea to die with my beloved.

Because I can't live w/o her, and I CONFIDENTLY sure she is as well neither to live in grief.

Suck English

Omg-ness

I am so worst in expressing myself using English.

Doesn't matter whether it is written or verbal form, because I screwed up both.

Years after years, I thought my English will improve eventually.

But in fact, it is declining!

I am starting to worry how worst it can be.

Yeah, practice makes perfect,

but I never see myself practicing around!

Spending time over here typing thousand of words, is nevertheless a waste of time.

It doesn't as effective as it sounds.

Reading is the best, but I found it's hard to pick up a book.

Compared to my peers, I see vast improvement in them, whether it is presentation or in term of languages.

You can't blame for my competitive nature, I like to compare.

And I guess that's the only thing could get me antsy; I feel pressured.

With pressure, I push myself further.

I work well with pressure I guess.

It arouses my brain to work harder and think harder.

That can be an excuse I know, and I never deny the fact that it was one.

A good time management skill is crucial,

and my forethought ability is just not as good as an organized serial-killer.

Gotta discipline myself tougher than before, there are people I can't let them down.

It's 6.30.

TaTa, till the next time we meet.

Productivity

I am hardworking.

No no!

I have to rephrase that!

I seem like hardworking.

Borrowed books from library, plenty of it, carry by the side with my hand, shoulder hanged with a heavy laptop bag with laptop inside (if not?), I am a typical University boy (how you define today typical Uni boy? - Nerd? Trendy?).

I looked as if I am very busy with my stuff, hanging library, walk up and down.

Spent few weeks time with the borrowed book, did I really flip them through? At least once?

*shame shame* The answer is no.

I mean, I never went through them seriously, if I wasn't really paying attention on it,

how can I benefit from it?

I hate myself (not that extreme lah i think, lol) for not focus on the things I wanted to do.

There will be distraction going all around, always.

Make your priority right! (This is the first principle shown in wikiHow-How to be smart!)

What I did was that I hitting the bush aimlessly, I never clear with what things come first.

And this is what I get - nothing.

Logic right? You aim for nothing, and therefore, you get NOTHING.

I am not organized I admit.

I should do one thing at a time.

Yeah! that's the essence of being prioritize!

Aim first for the most important thing, and others subtle leave behind.

Simple thing is always the most difficult thing,

because no one believe it is so simple!

But it is!

Someone defined procrastination to me before,

using assignment as an example,

that if there is 0.0001 possibilities that tomorrow will be the end of the world,

you will choose not to do your assignment.

Of course he is trying to exaggerate the fact,

but he pinpoint one important truth,

that in general, people procrastinate whenever they've given chance or excuses.

"Oh, the due date is next month, don't worry, we still have plenty of time."

"Weekends are holiday! Assignment should work on study days- weekdays~!"

"I aint feeling well, ,man."

All of these are my excuses, you might be familiar if you are my kind (except TBK, she from other planet one, she said).

Okay, lesson one! ( how to be smart!)

Set goals once a week~

of course you can set daily goals, yearly goals or what so ever,

the important things are that,

1) you set the goals, and you do go for it,

2) and you set the goal according to their degree of importance.

3) punish yourself if you failed to follow.

4) reward yourself only when you met the criteria to be rewarded (you set yourself la of course).

see you next time!

A weird dream

I had a dream.

I can't tell whether it happened on this morning or before the dawn.

It like a long dream, and it was 10 am the moment I woke up.

So, I assumed it happened late in the night and continues throughout the whole night till morning.

But inception told me dream moves faster than in reality,

then I shifted my thought, thinking it happened in this morning, right before I woke up.

But then feelings telling me, it was a really long long dream that I ever had.

I doubt myself...

Pondering... yet I wave white flag in the end to the memory.

What kind of dream is that that make me feel so unforgettable?

It is related to snake.

Not one or two but plenty of them.

One by one invading my house.

I can't tell whether they are intimidating me or not.

But I am clear that I trying to kill all of their same kind.

"In what way?" ,you might wonder.

I fail to recall but it should be a shampoo-alike "weapon" I have used.

It is quite frightening I could tell when I'm in the dream.

So real it happened though now I realize none of my senses operated at that time.

I pissed at my pants! (of course not literally).

Anyhow, it really scared me!

Good thing is that I never asked for help.

I am not begged for life either.

I choose to work it on my own.

Guess that is the message "inner me" wanted convey to the "reality-me".

I got the mail! In a scary way!

F*** you but thank you! ~.~

Aint the right time to take a rest.

Should I take a good rest first before I get everything started OR

shouldn't I do so because I am lag behind the track.

Should I.... or shouldn't I..?

People, what do you think?

It is make sense to think that, 9 out of 10 people will pick the first option.

Of course I am talking about someone who knows me, or someone that are close to me - friends and family members.

No doubt they will be saying that right?

Reason is simple, how can you work on something well

when you aren't physically or mentally functioning well?

Like the old saying, a good start makes up the first half of the success.

However, this can be apply in both of the options.

In the former, I SHOULD take a good rest.

After the recovery, it is then I can have full energy to work on my stuff.

A good start in the sense that I am fully "equip" with mental power and physical power.

But thing does come in pair, it has it con too!

The moment I get back in my study, I am lagged so far behind compare to my peers!

Eh.. I should rephrase my sentence, "compare to my classmates! ( i am few years older than them, but peers by definition is the group of people that about the ages like you)",

which I really don't consider it is a good start anymore.

The second option?

It's simple, like what I've said, if I don't bother to take a good rest,

at least I am still "on track", not talking about how much can i really take on,

as in did the lessons really heard? or am I making good in the research process?

but at least I am physically present there.

I am still on track = a good start I supposed.

While typing, slowly I realize that I am convincing myself to take a good rest before I go any further.

The things that happened in my brain is really like so fast, that you can't even grab a whole picture of it.

Even if you happened to stay on one idea, the next moment it was flew away and the next thing come can be anything that doesn't related at all.

That's why a journal or diary like this helps to focus your mind.

I am glad that I've make a decision.

Although to be stay on track is good (but even now, I am already off-track),

but to be pushing yourself when you are not capable of doing so is really

a waste of time and energy, and it even make the matter worst when you aint

get any better because of frequent and continuous fatigue that you choose to put on.

Anyhow,

a good rest is as simply as getting a good night sleep.

Guess what?

I am sleeping now! See ya, friends!

Bad flu

Having bad flu at this moment is really killing me.

A moment where there are tons of things I wanted to do.

And most of the things are related to books!

What flu has to do with book?

It's because even without flu, my nose is sensitive towards book up to certain extent,

now the matter turns even worst with this uninvited guest.

Sore throat at first, then cough, with some fever and ended up bad flu now.

Can i get any worst than this?

Choi choi choi!

I don't wish to at all. Even flu itself is torturing me to half dead.

Tutor training program is on tomorrow morning and I've yet to prepare the notes that I am going to present.

All of them went out, and I am alone here,

but at least I got companionship - BAD FLU.

Should be resting well but I procrastinate my work till now and

still there are other things that I wanted to get it done still on the waiting list.

I can work it out I believe.

Because that's the power of mind.

Step forward

Had I make a big leap forward?

Or I'm still in process?

Anyhow, I know I've make it started and

at least the will to start is already a success itself.

*Small hand clap for myself.

I've applied to be a student tutor in this semester and the training program is on this Saturday.

I wonder whether I'm capable of doing it since I am a so introvert person in nature.

My nervous system comes alive when I get to knew that I have to prepare a 15 minutes "tutoring" session to senior tutors.

Wow!

It really tense me out!

I thought I am going to learn how to teach over there,

but now the first task for me is to teach the expert.

Although it is true that real practice comes to best improvement,

but obviously I still haven't warm my butt on the seat.

Mindset and attitude are important.

Have to hypnotize myself for just 15 minutes (it seems so short yet every seconds should be nerve-twisting!) that I am a EXPERT tutor!

Tough job (for me only of course) but I think I will work it out.

Regardless the result, bad or worst (where is the good outcomes? I doubt there is any. LOL),

I will only shame for one day or comes to worst, the whole semester.

But I have my whole life to back it up.

Seeing big picture , life vs. 15 minutes.

Like what Cheryl said, it is all depends on whether it worth what it served.

I THINK it is a YES! and so it will definitely worth every single minutes I going to invested in it.

See ya!

Persistence

I think I've talked about this long time ago,
that success is a simple formula with persistence = success, at most of the time, if not all.

True but I never applied such formula on the things I did.
I've this little idea before, to sell coke chicken wings that I've learn from the restaurant that I've once worked in.
That plan started fast and went off quite immediately afterward.
Because lacked of certain ingredients, the chicken wings just don't taste right,
and there goes the end of my little idea.

So easy gave up right?
I think the same too, but it is only until now I feel it.
I don't felt the same at that moment,
I felt that I've done so much to prepare -
the marinate process, buying ingredients, cutting, frying, and etc.
I realize the outcome isn't satisfying from what I expected,

and then I give up on trying, cause I am thinking that was my best,

I can't be any better than that.

It is then recently, few weeks or months back,

a friend of mine,

saying if it fails, why don't give it a try one more time?

You know that you've been long time never practice on it,

of course it wouldn't be nice on the first attempt.

Roman wasn't built in a day too.

I feel a strikes, an arrow flew through my thinking hat,

a light bulb shining above my head,

Yeah! Why I never thought of that?

Or it is because I wasn't really want to do it in the first place.

Perhaps, it was merely a try of luck, if it turns out well then I will go for it,

if it isn't, end the fantasy.

past is already past,

i can't change it anyhow.

Learning from history is always comes from mouth of loser,

people who makes mistake.

but later becomes winner when they really review themselves.

So, have you decide to be a winner or loser? (staring in the mirror)

p/s: this post was a draft that I've long forgotten. now i finish it and publishing.

New layout

I found this new layout quite soothing for my eyes.

Simple and nice.

Less is more.

Stole something from JaD's blog site.

The visitor's checker.

Help me identify which demography area my viewers all from (eh ler, only 2 or 3 people nia ma).

She still haven't teach me how to put the *like *cool *interesting at the bottom of each post.

Just suddenly get reminded after read her posts.

Anyway, new layout = minor new changes.

Imply that I need a simple life now.

To get- To give

have this thought raise up in my mind.

Someone said this before too, and somehow,

i still remember who he is, if I'm not mistaken (not so sure whether is him or not. @@).

A lecturer from career sense, who manage to made me felt sleepy during his lectures.

At least, he said something and that something managed to stand still in my memory.

Yup.

To get or to give?

He said, employees today keep wondering what they can get from their jobs,

high salary, good social benefits, flexible time, and etc.

they are worry.

worry what they can get.

they are overconfident with what they have.

in fact, they have nothing other than that printed paper after finish-up their 3 or 4 years in Uni.

they have no idea at all what they able to give.

life is unfair most of time, if not all.

however, it still emphasizes equilibrium.

you will get what you deserve only when you able to give something that is equivalent to the said rewards.

good theory.

i see its potential.

it seemingly apply to everything you can think of.

academic result, skills, r'ship, and etc.

and i am learning to apply it.

before think what you can get, think what you can give.

A promise that doesn't seems to achieved

if you were to keep track of my previous blog posts,

you might remember that I promised to blog stories about my dad.

like the title, I failed to do so.

Had counseling past semester, suggested by my counselor and this is also her way of doing it.

- bring a book, and write about your dad whenever you are reminded of him.

A good and brilliant idea.

I admit, it I were to blog about my father over here,

it will be forever if you ever got the chance to see it.

Moreover, I have to really take care of my grammar and

think countless time before I construct every sentences.

It will be timely, definitely.

And it will be something "modify",

rather than my real and true feeling.

Like how you might guess,

yup, I did what she suggested.

And it works out quite well, I assume.

Some weak points are that, I don't have a proper book instead I wrote it in my planner

and I seem to get teary each time I wrote.

It's quite hard for me to write when I am in train, or some other public place,

to have eyes looking at me as though wondering what's wrong with me.

I am just not comfortable doing it in public. Anyhow, at least there is progress.

Sad to say that I am not always carry that planner around, and I am used to go out as a "free man" - not to bring anything other than hp and wallet.

Maybe I should just get a bag and start doing it.