To be

To be the one you want to be, not the one you can be.

This is what I truly believe, and the one that provides fuel for extra miles.

And as usual, we shall see.

so long

it's been a while i didn't pay a visit to my own blog.

fret not, i'll refurnish my old baby for next visit!!! erm.. or next next visit!

Hmmm. that's all. Let's move on!

Step by step

Step by step! step by step!

Tension

And just few hours ago I felt the surge of tension as indicated by the intensive heartbeat, only I lay my butt perfectly on the seat, scrolling through the journals.

It is so irony that I hate to burn mid night oil but still the situation is persisting.

At least I feel good this time as compare to other time as I am not pressured by other people,

and the reason I do it is really because I want to do it. Although partially the reason is still caused by time pressure, yet the effect is reducing to a smaller number which I consider within an acceptable level.

And without I even realizing it, I have lived on someone expectation, just like anyone of you.

And I believe i'm still doing it. I can't avoid it just like i can't live without oxygen. but i know there are times where i can just hold my breath, so that i can realize i still can live for quite some time even without it, though eventually i will be feeling suffocated and know how much it meant to me.

PhotoBlogging

I would like to try out with PhotoBlogging but my first attempt failed miserably back to few years ago (don't even remember when it is).

The reason is simple, it is really troublesome and the outcome wasn't good at all.

Now this thought just crossed my mind again, but still i refuse to give it a second try because the urge is not as great as the first attempt. I need something more.

Take up two new hobbies recently, Photography and Badminton.

Let me go through it one by one.

The sole reason I take up photography is simply because I bought one DSLR which was first intended to use it as a VideoCam but the interest for photography spurs immediately once I trying out few shots.

Since then, I use it to photograph people rather than doing video recording.

And what's more exciting is that even though I know that I'm still not ready for covering any event, my friends actually called me up and ask me to help covering their weddings.

I was literally nervous, how can he put his hope on a photographer which has experienced just about a month? (since July 30th, if i'm not mistaken) and thanks god it is finish now, only some post editing still haven't been done, and I am kind of negative about the outcome.

And after one finish, another two more coming, one in September 24-26, another one in December. Really hope that as time passes, I'm becoming more and more skillful.

The core reason that I promised to cover their event is that, most of the photographer if not all told me that this is the fastest way to build up your portfolio which at the same time, speeding up your learning process. And friends are always the best trait to start with.

Okay, that's the wrap for Photography, now is on WHY badminton.

Seriously, i wonder how I been involved into it also.

I supposed it all started after I watched matches of my friend - Kok Wing Soon which eventually won HELP badminton's competition as Champion.

I see the fun in that game, and the mind game in it.

It is not just about to hit the ball and make it in your opponent, instead much mental power is involved in a game, just like any other sport.

Since then, things continue to evolved. I went to play, borrow people racquet, bought a new racquet myself afterward, committed to go once a week and even planning to play twice a week.

Sometimes, I had great fun of myself, with them. At times, i frustrated with my teammates and also myself. Team game is even challenging as compare to single.

Now if I really think back, I guess it all started after the time where i should start my thesis,

all kind of hobbies just came out like that, and rather than facing thesis, I spent considerable time in understanding camera model, mechanism involved, badminton footsteps, racquet model and etc.

Anyhow, I wanted to do good in my thesis too.

Perfectionist, I am and I'm as well competitive.

This two superior characteristics (i consider) had pulling myself for so far and I guess they will still propel me to move faster and further.

Thanks to the one who make me into become what i am now.

CHEERS!

About Templer's park - 28/07/11

About Hiking:

1) you hardly get tired, even if you felt so, you get recover soon.

2) it is fun hanging a camera and hike. :)

3) i scare of leach!

4) and i was so lucky that they don't bite me!

About waterfall:

1) omg! I love the cooling waterfall! it is so refreshing.

2) climbing upwards to the peak of waterfall can be really life-threatening, there were seconds of thought thinking i would probably fail to grip and fall to death, but it still feel better than jumping down from a building, at least the scene is green nature.

3) sense of achievement is not there even when i climb to the top, probably it still not stretching me enough that is worth to be proud of.

4) i was climbing super fast at the beginning and feeling to give up afterward because i felt physical fatigue and thought that i couldn't do it anymore. Body can tell lies, and as soon as I rest well enough, i am ready to move on and the thought gone just as fast. I just need a step back when i feel like giving up. A good lesson that impact me directly. Stop and rest if I want to go any further.

5) I have to really clear about my direction. Although to do it is important, some preliminary planning is still essential. I rushed to the top and the next thing i knew is I trapped in the middle of nowhere. front view was a big hush down waterfall, with strong water current. and i were pretty lucky that i did not fall and being washed by the water. If i would have check my direction clearly, as in which way could lead me to the top, this incident will not be happening.

About shooting:

1) i have great time shooting the nature!

2) provided with sufficient sunlight, the nature could be the most stunning feature in this world. and it doesn't need an expert to bring the charm out of it, the nature itself could speak for their own beauty.

3) i should have shoot more people's faces.

4) i am still not creative enough.

5) there will be definitely a second time to go back to the nature and shoot more!~

About me:

1) growing

2) learning

3) to be more me.

:)

All rounded

Went to an event job today, introduced by Cheryl's best friend ever, Suet Lye (hope I spell her name right).

It was an awesome experience that I actually pressed lift for others, greet welcome and direct them to the lift, eat the food they served, drink the wine (oops! I didn't drank that, because it is wine - alcohol, too bad!), take 4 wine cup with two hands, and talk with someone from Nepal.

Few heard-and-observed-from-others-facts.

About Nepal:

1) It is dirtier than Malaysia

2) the food is equally expensive in Malaysia

3) The job there offer lesser salary - less than RM 1,800

4) There are a lot of mountains over there which make their country development becomes harsh as road is hardly built.

About people from Nepal in Malaysia:

1) 5 years and they can speak almost perfect Chinese, Cantonese, Hokkien, and Malay.

2) They work on contract, for this person, he works for 3 years and when contract ends, he returns and sign another contract to come again.

3) Their salary can go up to RM 2,800, not sure whether is this the limit, but that is the most his circle of friends gaining.

4) They cook themselves because it is cheaper.

5) They stay in small room and big living room.

6) Two different shift people shared one bed, when the morning shift people get up and goes for work, the night shift's turn to use that bed.

7) 2 person in a room, 5-6 in living room.

8) They realize and know their fate is totally put on the hand of the agent and at times, they have no choice but to only comply everything.

About students from PR:

1) they are great social being! :)

2) they talk, talk and talk.

3) PR girls are hot, at least the others all think that way.

4) They expect make-up, and that's the essential part before everything.

5) They like to take pictures of themselves, with other, and others and othersss.

6) They enjoy event like they were been invited, not hired.

7) together with item 6, they drank, they ate, they took pictures.

8) people expect to get intimate with them while taking pictures - waist hug, over shoulder, ermmm, just basically what guys will do when they get a chance. :)

About event:

1) alcohol is always the best tool to get people feel intimate.

2) models are the highlight for photographer.

3) lucky draw gets people together.

4) goodies bag is always the high demand item.

5) the only time you can wear all kind of funny stuff and still no one laugh at you.

6) everyone will be searching for host.

About photographer:

1) I like their big rocket!

2) Many white telephoto-lens!

3) They handle their camera like how a child carry his/her toys.

4) I love their bag too!

This is basically everything I can wrap up for my day.

Hey Tomorrow, see you tomorrow!

Spending spreeeeeeeeeeeeee~

Been spending quite a lot recently, DSLR, ext. hdd, to name a few.

But i aint considering getting any part time job.

Guess my lazy bug is awakening now, and move actively throughout my body.

There are so many things to do on hand, but yet I refuse to get it started, journals reading to be specific.

Guess this holiday will be long, long enough that I could have done everything that i required to do and this is where self-discipline takes place. I really wanted to see how far i can control myself, prioritize and organize things to make sure everything seems crystal clear to me.

Learning a new skill- photography and also, I want to learn video shooting, editing and PS too. Guess there is too much in my list now. And I planning to list out a 26 to-accomplish-list for my coming 26 birthday.

Here is the two that I can think of now,

1) Help at least one couple to shoot a photo that they satisfy and gave me 8 out of 10.

2) Finish my degree with at least second upper!

Hope I can think for more as time passes!

I'm coming 2012!

Association

I'm one who damn love to associate thing.

something especially related to my body, my health.

got an electric shock yesterday evening, it was the strongest shock i've

experienced before. it proven one thing, that love at first sight is like

electric shock, they LIE!

that feeling isn't pleasant at all.

then since then, i'm not feeling well.

i wonder is it because my self-fulfilling prophecy or it is real physiological symptom.

it is then today i went for a jog. and my performance is really not up to the standard.

and i feel very dizzy after my run. i feel like fainted, but luckily i didn't.

is electric shock the cause? i'm not sure. but anyhow, i thought of it as the cause at least twice for that period of time.

or is it true that i'm old already.

or it is because that i facing computer and lack of exercises recently.

people are attributive being.

we like to attribute thing to a cause.

we wonder what cause something to happen.

and that is what make we seem so interesting yet complicated.

step by step, and you will one day get to the peak.

neutral

not much excitation and satisfaction gained after completed one of the assignment.

I wonder why.

I wonder why too that i am wondering so much.

reflect back to my previous assignments, although having hectic time where candles have to light up in the middle of the night, i still feel sense of achievement.

that i've done something, that i've "complete" something.

this time, the same feeling did not come back.

why it chose to alienated from me, i don't know.

this time around, i feel empty.

a feeling that i did not gain anything worth to cherish for the completion moment.

i even doubt about my ability that i've done something like that.

not really me, but we.

various factors took place of course.

i did not take into consideration about covariates, and any hidden extraneous variables or whatsoever.

i feel like i am doing the old same stuff, with performance that significantly lower than previous attempt.

sigh. is the subjective self-esteem take-down or it is truly happening in this way.

people say that i am thinking too much, i don't think so,

and when i don't think so, that's the reason they think i am thinking too much.

just as if when they think i am thinking too much, they don't think as much as i do.

and if they were to think as much as i do, then by default, i aint thinking much as compared to any other person.

i am simply thinking. like what you and me are doing, all this while.

life bored. and that is why it is my interest to be interested in interesting.

interestingly bored.

自我期待

很奇怪的感觉。

想写些什么的，却毫无头绪。

生活很奇怪。

想做些什么的，却无从下手。

马路很奇怪。

小巷大路的，却不知何去何从。

我很姓赖。

不是赖人的赖， 是依赖的赖。

很听人家说的话。

大家喜欢的东西，我都会去做。

大家觉得酷的东西，我也会去做。

有时，怕出丑，

也会象贼似的，躲在一旁，不敢出声。

有时，想炫耀，

就豪不保留的，倾囊相出。

有时，不想炫耀，

却四处毫无声息，也做起小丑来，

装做炫耀。

很奇怪，就因为自己年纪大了些，

有时也会做起大哥来。

很遗憾，

灵感泉涌时，却让他白白溜走。

很遗憾，

脑袋清晰时，却做垃圾事情。

很遗憾，

应该孝顺时，却选着了自傲。

面子，让遗憾不对等的丢了。

我，活在遗憾。

不过，

那也只是有时的事。

Life goal

A different life goal signify a distinctive way of life.

interact with someone who wish to proceed for phD and becomes a doctor.

how is his path gonna be like?

first, he finish his third year in HELP and fly over Australia to finish his fourth year then get his honours over there

and lastly get his phD over there.

then i ask, why don't you finish third year in HELP and you still get your honours what?

then he said, but Australia don't accept Malaysia honours degree program, you got to do it there.

and the reason why he has to get Australia to accept the honours is with that, he can directly get his phD.

Skip master and directly go for phD? i asked.

Yeah. he said. he felt that time is essence and now there is this chance, why should he reject?

i am not impress that he is going Flinder UNI, Australia.

instead, i am amazed by his certainty in his career path.

i am interested to learn as high as i could too, degree, master then phD.

this is exactly the chance for me too, can save time and cost and invest now in the fourth year then soon go for phD.

But i don't seem to appeal with it.

i know the answer better than anyone else.

i want to but i aint sure how desperate i am.

and that is why i can't make the decision.

his advice is constructive, indeed.

he ask me to make the decision, you have to first ask yourself.

what actually the career path you wish to have?

go into research or practice?

if practice then master is more than enough.

if research then phD will be your perfect choice.

I am kind of greedy person.

i wish to have all at once but reality always bang me down, telling it is never possible.

it is possible of course, but for my current mentality, i don't it is so.

when it comes to selecting options,

we wish to have it all, or at least, as much as we could.

but at this moment, i feel i can't be better if i tackle both.

it is based on a simple assumption, when you have skin problem,

you will go for skin specialist or general medical doctor?

i like to have definite answer though there is always grey areas in almost everything.

another reason that i don't want to go is that i can't leave everything behind.

personal growth might be crucial but i always think there is other way but this.

put yourself in dilemma can stimulate thinking more than usual.

a dilemma a day keeps wisdom intact.

i have my dilemma today.

had you?

lack of motivation

wonder where all my motivation went in the midst of studying.

it is unusual for me to felt moments of discouragement to continue reading.

it was so not me but yet it is me. part of me is shatter,

and some part of older me is surfacing.

i have this feeling of disorganize. that a lot of things are not in order.

i feel so frustrated when things did not come in my way.

and as for before, i choose to kept it under my boundary.

now the limit seems downgraded, i gave in to emotion so easily,

like i'm the slave and it is the emperor that i have to obey and listen to.

i forget long time the song listen to your heart.

how long i haven't listen to my own heart.

how long i didn't gave time for myself.

is the shortening-boundary has any relationship with DotA?

that i don't have the right occasion to get loose myself.

i wonder and i ponder.

yet no solutions seem to emerge.

merging myself in the book world yet i am distracting by my emotion.

i wonder what happen to me.

is it a vicious cycle that i have to feel depress for every March-to-come.

or simply, life events like to put people down.

or simply, i've been living too good that i don't even feel i deserved to,

and so i feel guilty, and so i wish to be push but limits seem overwhelming.

hi, the shattered pieces.

when are you going to glue yourself.

glue yourself back to your never-got-to-be-the-same originality.

Immerse

Been immersed myself into basketball lately.

I need to find a place to isolate myself from the invisible built-up-stress recently.

little by little, it is not harmful for it to be in its isolated part,

but as it persists, build up, the tension making my shoulder feel heavy.

I need a short break, for it previously was dump my head into the unrealistic DotA world,

now it is a healthier lifestyle - basketball.

Wonder when this activity has becomes one of my catharsis, to get rid of all my distress to nowhere.

Can this be name as a way of coping? perhaps, as I see no harm it did to me.

it is impossible that human can get everything they want all the time.

It is hard to delay gratification. or it is even hard time for you if rejection been given.

or the worst is that you being ignored?

inspired by a lot of things lately, but too bad i don't making the effort to record down all the

thought that came across which i classified as superb.

and to be frank, i have forgotten everything.

is being forgetful a powerful weapon human had to defend themselves?

if that so, what are they protecting and why do they need to do so?

things will turn out nicely i think.

as i was inspired.

and wish to continue being inspire, by myself, others, and something.

it feels Good looking back

I feel funny that i actually wrote this.

people change, huh?!

http://vincentphuah.blogspot.com/2010/01/accident.html

不痛不痒

乏味的人生，应该就是危机吧。

有规律，被征服了的事，会让人颓废吧。

被反驳，被挑战，才能活下去吧。

最难找的动力，应该就是发自内心的那种吧。

罢了吧。

吧。。。

it is not far.

I know how far i can go.

and i believe that distance is closed to infinity.

anticipating to meet you in near future, wait for me.

Hi, the future me.

dilemma.

arghh...!

Results are great indicator of the effort you paid off.

for some, it might be true. but why this particular subject just doesn't apply with this theory?

quite sad and disappointed with the result that just came out.

why the standard for one subject is so in huge difference compare to another?

My mind to choose Psychology in workplace shaken.

Because I can't assure myself that i can get a good grade with this subject.

some say, don't haunted by the past, get up from where you fall.

of course the same thing apply in opposite too.

if you has been beaten so terribly in the past,

why should you go again if you knew the same thing might happen once more.

the high-energetic-me just right before all of the things that happen in this week,

began to scatter around.

i can't found any pieces of me.

okay, maybe not all that broken, but most of it yes.

please forgive me, i do like to exaggerate.

i still have chance to be a rising sun,

given choosing appropriate subjects and be consistent in my works.

should i risk myself to take a subject that i kind-of-like-but-not-that-much and get a terribly grade (which i also not so sure, that's why i called it a risk), or just postpone and wait for a better one and push more hard work afterward.

Life is about problem solving and decision making all the time, isn't it?

Haiz....

Yeah! BABY!!!!! (i put this line bcz i don't like "Haiz" to be the end of my story. ~.~)

假期终了。

假期就快完了。

真的是转眼间。

我有很多计划，

不切实际的，都作了。

应该做的，我却没做。

至少，我也做了一些吧？

再一天，我又要埋头钻研课业了。

希望这次我能得到更高的享受。

前一个学期的功课，我做到很差。

我并没尽力。

有点失望，有点无奈。

所谓的团队精神，并没发挥的淋漓尽致。

有心或无心，我全不然。

个人因数或他人？

我也难以推测。

新学期，

会是个全新的开始吗？

还是依然懵懂的腐肉人生。

就让时间来见证吧。

New habit?

Shawn: sino again meh? do something else lah.

Me: then ah. we go limteh and read books.

Shawn: sui! kia.

It is then we went "espress cafe" for a cup of drink.

but the so-called reading didn't happened, card playing instead.

it doesn't seems any different as compared to a normal mamak tea time,

but only the environment, higher prices of the tea and availability of board game.

more girls around perhaps.

chit-chat like normal, few rounds of card game and the-disgusting-punishment-that-never-once-all-agreed-to-act-upon.

after the coffee tale, same old story, drive ahead to cyber cafe.

wow. it is now more unusual!

we not only play DotA, but kick-start it by a cup of tea, or coffee, or ais kacang or whatsoever.

words after event?

ermm..

it is another great time.

anticipating for a more meaningful habit that worth for time devotion.