In denial.

I've been putting myself in state of denial that my grandfather is still alive unconsciously.

It is only today, I realized, again, that my grandfather has passed away.

Wonder how this kind of thing can happen on me as well.

I thought I am being so in control of my life, emotion, thought, and etc,

but as you might guess, I have little or no control in fact.

Life is mysterious, just like me, you and him.