Day 6- 13/8/10

13/8/10, it was the 6th day since he had gone on 8/3/10.


Confusing my own mind.
Saying he is still here but he had gone elsewhere.
Pathetic.

Still,
not having energy to do anything yet.
But hey,
I was able to somehow tidy up my own room!
Threw a lot of papers.
Papers which consist of lecture notes, presentation slides, exam-last-minutes notes.
Are they still usable? I thought it was a yes.
But change my mind afterward,
that it will be another century for the next time I ever touch them.
Ever hesitated? No, seriously.
I wondered my answer, too.

I get quite irritated each time my eldest sister tidying house stuff.
It was perfectly true that the house will going to have its great renewal,
that everything is so well packed and it is "clean"!
Why is that so?
Simply because she threw everything which she considered "useless" in her own definition.
I fight back, yesterday.
That she kept on nagged, aggressively, threatened to throw my thing if I would to put them on the table.
It triggered my rusty fire starter that've left behind for so long.
I shouted, scolded bad word.
It were all 3 sentences, if I'm not mistaken.
I did kept it sweet and simple.

It makes me refused to have eye contact or any conversation in the next day which is today.
I hate people being so self-centered, never put themselves in other shoes.
Things that seem subtle to you, are not always the same for other.
Even as trivial as a rusty keychain, it could carried years of memory flashback.
It is not always about the durability, neither in functional sense.
It was more.
The messages carried by the object.
The old-sweet-sour-spicy-bitter memory that triggered each time you see them.
They deserved a space in the house, no matter how.
Memory is what makes life meaningful.
That's what we should always treasure.

Same old feeling.
I felt him.
That I always wondered where he was.
Looked around and realized my fooliness,
that he is no longer... exists.

Forget to share what happened yesterday.
We went to picked "gold".
The left-over material after his body cremated.
The body isn't turned into ash, instead it is bone-alike material or it is bone.
I didn't questioned further, I don't even feel like asking a question.
Each of us have to pick one of it, and put it into the jar(not sure the material) which specially for bone ashes.
The left over, which almost 70 to 80%, will spread them over the sea after ceremony.

Got to sleep. It is 2.00 a.m. now.
I am not going to let myself break-down.
see ya.