翠绿的生命精彩-

To be

2011-10-24T11:59:00.002+08:00

To be the one you want to be, not the one you can be.

This is what I truly believe, and the one that provides fuel for extra miles.

And as usual, we shall see.

Nikon or Canon?

2011-10-16T12:59:00.003+08:00

Before I start to share anything, I need it is important to first warn you that, review is meant to compare and get some first hand information from those who experienced. But this doesn't mean that what they or I say is true that you should ingest whatever you see. And since this is about experience, it is really subjective and what important to me, doesn't mean it is important to you. So, take what you need. :)

Getting my very first DSLR is a truly dilemma for me.

Frankly speaking, I know totally nothing about camera back then, shutter speed, aperture, ISO, depth of field, to name a few which you will eventually need to know as a beginner. Worst still, the description of each camera given from the website is a truly alien language. Knowing standing still would not help the situation any better, I simply settle myself on two most pro-consumer brand, Canon and Nikon.

Then, look into the specs of both, it is really unlikely you can tell a difference between them, they look just the same. Like how you can't really differentiate the different kind of "ang mo" which all looks the same to you simply because the minimal contact that you've made with them.

So, I move on to test out camera, because contact is what matter. I borrowed my brother's friend camera which appears to be a nikon D5000 and I am quite satisfy with it, no big issue about it. Then few days later I get in contact with a Lumix G2 or GF2, i am not too sure. I may have subjected to bias because it just doesn't sounds and feels "right" to me with its 4 third technology sensor and digital viewfinder, it just does not amaze me in any way.

To have first contact with Nikon gear, may have actually put me into a primacy effect, where Nikon appears to be more likeable by me, and as what my friend usually say, i start to poison myself how good Nikon Camera are, and the top of my list is then the newly launch, D5100.

I went on to compare the similar range offered by Canon, which is 600D.

*Side note: if you ever notice, there are always comparable model between Canon and Nikon with almost similar features and specifications as well the price.

Speaking from the biased mouth, D5100 seems so promising with its user friendly features (you can check it out on your own), and I kind of stick my mind to it and sort of "decided" to buy it.

Then I feel it is not fair to compare Nikon and Canon without even "feel" the latter one. So, like once in a blue moon, I went to Camera shop to actually "feel" it. (Btw, I am not that kind of person go shop just for trying unless I really wanted to buy from them, so, to have make the decision to go just for a try is seriously a big breakthrough for me)

Test result?

Canon did feel better now!

And it is really good that you should survey beforehand, otherwise, you can't speak a single thing with the sales person. You should disclose with them why you think Nikon is good, and the beautiful thing is, they will actually "fight back" and say Canon has the similar features or explain to you that the feature you mentioned is not that useful anyway. (of course, this is provided the sales person you spoke to is experienced and willing to share, and how to spot who is pro and who is not? simple, you intuition will tell you. I bet you can tell a difference between a pro and a noob when they open their mouth). After the sharing session, now I got more information consolidated! What is the next you should do? Check it out whether what the sales person says is true, this is because sometimes they do bluff when they want you to feel that they know everything. And there is really times where certain customer do takes in everything the sales person say.

And so I did check it out. I list out my need, and list out all the pros and cons of both camera provided. Snapsort.com appears to be a very good first site to check out to know the general specs from both camera and direct comparison. From my opinion, it is really meant for you to know "something" about camera, but not in and out. More importantly, their opinion and suggestion are rather "subjective" which they rate it based on "their" need, not yours.

After all the listing, I cut off the pros and cons that are not really that important, such as the weight of it, the size of the viewfinder, and etc. As my early intention to get a camera is to shoot movie, my options quickly focus on the video features that both camera provide and Canon seems to stand out the most with the maximum control one can get.

Having say so, the main reason I choose Canon 600D is because it just "feels" better in my grip even after all the hectic information surveying. I totally agree with what the salesman says, if you cannot feel comfortable with your camera, how you going to use them and learn.

So, needless to say anymore, if you intend to get one, just go the nearest store and get a feel of it! They don't scold if you don't buy. But I am damn sure you will regret if you never try.

Hope you enjoy reading!

*some side notes:

(this is the place of some rumors and some facts that others people say, which may be true and may be wrong too!)

1) If you are comparing between entry level, Canon seems to have a sturdier build as compared to Nikon even though both of them are so "plastic-like". And I do feel the difference from the tactile sensation. If going up to mid pro and pro, there seems to be no difference from both.

2) Again, this is more for entry level model. The Nikon "rubber grip" has been complained to get sticky after some time of usage (apprx, 2 years) as compared to Canon.

3) Canon's pictures claimed to be more natural, and Nikon's pictures are more sharp.

4) People often make this simplify statement, if for video, pick Canon, if for pictures, pick Nikon.

5) Nikon offered better low light performance at the expense of lower megapixel.

6) Extension to the previous statement, Canon offered higher megapixel as compared with its same-range competitor.

7) The reason Canon wins over video is because user can manually adjusting the exposure. But Nikon do lately provides plenty promising features in video recording, with only one exception, it is all auto and you are really basically just press record and give the camera do the job. (you might love this, but film-maker hates this, they think no control = you're simply noob).

Again, hope it helps!

My very first camera - which one should i pick?

2011-10-15T21:42:00.008+08:00

Many, at least 4 have asked me what camera they should buy and after answering for a couple of time, and with my little experience when making the choice of buying my very first own camera, i think it is kind a good start for first ever photography-related post.

Before all this start, my advice would be more related to those who having the choices between Nikon and Canon.

Okay, let's get it started.

1) Budget.

The first thing ever that you should consider is of course, your budget.

Considering your buying power could really help you to settle down on your range of choice. Having say so, it should also not to limiting yourself, as certain people would wait for another few more months to save for a better camera (if you are the kind who can hold your temptation for a little longer)

Overall, for the ease of general population, main manufacturers have kind of sort out 3 category catered for different users or better still, just to let people have the feel of upgrading from one to another level (or I should use illusion instead) depends on the body they used. Which I will call it entry level, mid-pro, pro.

For a budget below 3k, you may considering buying entry level with a standard kit-lens of 18-55mm.

From 3k to 5k, mid pro and above that would be pro-level.

(this is really meant for first user which absolutely know nothing about camera and want to "learn" something from it, which is why I suggest they stick to the kit-lens)

*One special note on the budget topic is that, you should also consider about the other accessories that you are going to buy later. Thus, having the thought that over a bit of the budget to get a certain higher-end camera may actually make your "later life" suffer which in other words, you are eventually "stucked" for the same thing for a little longer time. Therefore, you should really plan out your path of needs, which I will discuss in the second point.

2) Needs.

People often say, buy what you need, not what you want. This may especially true in buying your very first camera gear. If you hanging on entry level, why don't you pay a bit more for mid-pro as it provides extra features. If you thinking to get mid-pro, why not just for the pro, as you know you going to use that like forever? You see my point? It will be a never-ending process that seriously drain out the very last blood-smelt-penny from your wallet. And we are just talking about the camera body, what if I include also the lenses? filter? tripod? flashes? and more and more....?

Together with the buying power, it might be good to consider also what other accessories that you would like to have in the very near future.

Of course, I know it is kind of unrealistic to speak this to the first user, as they dun even know what they will eventually need. But hey, to me, I really feel it is an important step to take note on.

I set my budget on 2 to 3k, and I eventually spend almost 4k because of other things that I failed to consider. (I would talk about this on my other post)

A bit off topic, back to the need theory.

First, you should keep remind yourself of the reason you wanted to get a DSLR, the purpose of using it.

Portrait? Event shoot? Simply leisure? Landscape?

A brief example, if you are about to use it to take family picture - the so-called "captures the moment" or use it to video your son's birthday and etc and eventually you share to the world via facebook, it is really unwise to get a mid-pro camera. Because in that case, higher burst mode, sturdy built, larger viewfinder, better cross-type AF system, longer battery with more shot, fast access to key features, and more... is not related to you at all. You spent on something that you not going to use it at all.

Okay, say if now you know you going to cover it for event, mostly indoor,

and you going to make use of it to make money, but you have not enough money to get the top level of camera.

So, in this case, not only getting the right camera is important to you, even the related accessories also. Spending whole of yourself only on body and kit lens could only satisfy you as much, you would get bored and learn slow eventually (personal opinion). Worst still, you are literally "stucked" with what you have now. Thus, if you are plan to learn to cover for events, talking in a budget of 4k, instead of spending the whole on a mid-pro camera, it might be more appropriate to get an entry level and get a better flash for yourself.

In some case, people go for macro, then you have to consider also the macro lens, tripod, ring flash for macro and etc.

So, to know what you really need, is the most crucial part in making the call.

*Side note: Know your future buying power - are you the one who able to save extra in near future? If yes, then you can probably make adjustment as appropriate to fulfill your need, optimized the available budget for the body and get the accessories in future, for example.

I know this post is pretty lengthy but I hope you do enjoy reading it and get the most out of it. (I am hitting two bird actually, learn to write and learn to share. :)).

More to come in the future!

More and more

2011-10-10T11:06:00.002+08:00

More and more things in the list.

Sometimes I'll get frustrated of not being able to do it all at once.

I started to see how time can be packed that you seriously have to prioritize one over another. And it is simply pathetic that what you prioritize turns out isn't as great as you expecting. Moody aside.

Planning to posts what learning process of being a camera dummy would likely is, that allow me not to stop moving because i thought i am making no progress which in fact i did, even it was only a subtle one. And also acts like a simple guideline for newbies who thinking of starting photography.

See you soon!

so long

2011-10-07T01:15:00.003+08:00

it's been a while i didn't pay a visit to my own blog.

fret not, i'll refurnish my old baby for next visit!!! erm.. or next next visit!

Hmmm. that's all. Let's move on!

Wonder

2011-09-26T06:20:00.004+08:00

Hmmm. I wonder how many of us actually didn't pass up thesis 1 and what' s running on their mind.

And I just realized that a lot of decision I have made, is really decided upon influences by others, in an indirect and unintentional way.

And I also realized that I identify certain people, to a small degree, as someone I quite familiar with.

And I also realized, friends around me are quite concern about my thesis. Ignoring what their concern are, I'm more interested how I actually spread it out and make it seems like a concern for me which eventually gain the concern of others. I may have fail the test of being not punctual, but i guess i pass some test that i unconsciously gave to myself, that i don't even know the tests are, just feeling satisfied with the result.

You may argue it is an excuse, or in fact, it may really was one.

but you will never know, because i don't think you live your life my way,

which never make your argument valid enough for me,

because simply, you aint me, and i also not wiling to be like you,

Cz, it makes me feel unique that way, a unique creature with bloody flesh covered in stretching skin and with a thinking head, plugging on top of it. :)

Step by step

2011-09-20T00:30:00.000+08:00

Step by step! step by step!

Tension

2011-09-19T02:26:00.002+08:00

And just few hours ago I felt the surge of tension as indicated by the intensive heartbeat, only I lay my butt perfectly on the seat, scrolling through the journals.

It is so irony that I hate to burn mid night oil but still the situation is persisting.

At least I feel good this time as compare to other time as I am not pressured by other people,

and the reason I do it is really because I want to do it. Although partially the reason is still caused by time pressure, yet the effect is reducing to a smaller number which I consider within an acceptable level.

And without I even realizing it, I have lived on someone expectation, just like anyone of you.

And I believe i'm still doing it. I can't avoid it just like i can't live without oxygen. but i know there are times where i can just hold my breath, so that i can realize i still can live for quite some time even without it, though eventually i will be feeling suffocated and know how much it meant to me.

Wonder

2011-09-13T23:10:00.001+08:00

Really wonder why I don't feel any tension yet..

what've happened...

PhotoBlogging

2011-09-10T01:54:00.002+08:00

I would like to try out with PhotoBlogging but my first attempt failed miserably back to few years ago (don't even remember when it is).

The reason is simple, it is really troublesome and the outcome wasn't good at all.

Now this thought just crossed my mind again, but still i refuse to give it a second try because the urge is not as great as the first attempt. I need something more.

Take up two new hobbies recently, Photography and Badminton.

Let me go through it one by one.

The sole reason I take up photography is simply because I bought one DSLR which was first intended to use it as a VideoCam but the interest for photography spurs immediately once I trying out few shots.

Since then, I use it to photograph people rather than doing video recording.

And what's more exciting is that even though I know that I'm still not ready for covering any event, my friends actually called me up and ask me to help covering their weddings.

I was literally nervous, how can he put his hope on a photographer which has experienced just about a month? (since July 30th, if i'm not mistaken) and thanks god it is finish now, only some post editing still haven't been done, and I am kind of negative about the outcome.

And after one finish, another two more coming, one in September 24-26, another one in December. Really hope that as time passes, I'm becoming more and more skillful.

The core reason that I promised to cover their event is that, most of the photographer if not all told me that this is the fastest way to build up your portfolio which at the same time, speeding up your learning process. And friends are always the best trait to start with.

Okay, that's the wrap for Photography, now is on WHY badminton.

Seriously, i wonder how I been involved into it also.

I supposed it all started after I watched matches of my friend - Kok Wing Soon which eventually won HELP badminton's competition as Champion.

I see the fun in that game, and the mind game in it.

It is not just about to hit the ball and make it in your opponent, instead much mental power is involved in a game, just like any other sport.

Since then, things continue to evolved. I went to play, borrow people racquet, bought a new racquet myself afterward, committed to go once a week and even planning to play twice a week.

Sometimes, I had great fun of myself, with them. At times, i frustrated with my teammates and also myself. Team game is even challenging as compare to single.

Now if I really think back, I guess it all started after the time where i should start my thesis,

all kind of hobbies just came out like that, and rather than facing thesis, I spent considerable time in understanding camera model, mechanism involved, badminton footsteps, racquet model and etc.

Anyhow, I wanted to do good in my thesis too.

Perfectionist, I am and I'm as well competitive.

This two superior characteristics (i consider) had pulling myself for so far and I guess they will still propel me to move faster and further.

Thanks to the one who make me into become what i am now.

CHEERS!

until you do it.

2011-09-03T17:57:00.003+08:00

yeah. it's all bullshit unless you really actually start doing it.

no matter how much other tells you, you never really know it until you really get your hand dirty on it.

Guess that is why experience is always better than knowledge.

Concept is merely an idea without texture. no feeling.

Psychology

2011-08-24T19:17:00.002+08:00

Friends of mine like to say that it's because you study too much psychology, and that's why you make things complicated, why don't just say it out and make thing simple and nice.

I treasure the beauty of simple but i just can't help and feel sad about the simple association people like to used. i feel, after all, it is not about psychology, and it is not about how much i study and what i'm studying, it is about me. it is my thought and that is my way of communication, why people like to schematize and link my behaviors to things that they don't even familiar with.

although it is simple to understand, as other than psychology, nothing else they can link with and based on the schema they already have - psychology is complicated (which not necessary true bcz it is purely their own schema), which make this cause the best fit of all.

I guess that must be the way i spoke, in some way, offended them which caused them to react in that way. And to conform the typical stereotype, human is complicated, and that's why psychology is complicated too.....

Room of improvement

2011-08-18T02:04:00.003+08:00

Yeah... there is still much improvement needed.

and I'm craving for mooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

I'm only afraid the moment where I found myself got nothing more to learn, it must be really horrifying but i guess that will never ever happen as learning is never finite.

Safe sense

2011-08-16T14:55:00.002+08:00

Instead of posting a status at Facebook, I feel much better to leave my thought here.

Because I feel the one who really cares will not leave crappy comment over here,

the one who will clicks and sees my post is never nobody,

which led to my decision to post some more inner thought over here.

afterall, facebook is juz social network, another reality that most ppl hi and bye over there,

it just doesn't make sense for me to let them know as much as the persons who will view my blog.

You guys have the privileges. thanks god for that.

40K

2011-08-14T18:33:00.001+08:00

I am aiming to get this 40k....

http://www.berjayayouth.com/

Stay tuned....

A...

2011-08-14T17:19:00.003+08:00

If I get an A in next semester for any subject, I'm gonna reward myself with a new laptop!

A) few to buy list

1- reflector

2- Speedlite

3- tripod

4- laptop

List of To-do items

2011-08-11T14:01:00.002+08:00

A lot of things to do recently, and i feel as time passed, i grew.

I grew to be a much more organized people, and I aware there are still much room for improvement.

Psychology is a powerful course, in that if you really using what they've done research for so far, your life actually much more easy.

But there is one problem with this. Learn theory is easy, applying it is not as easy.

I wonder what is wrong with this. most of the theory is actually pretty easy and even a layman could have been quite understand the kind of causal relation between certain action leads to certain consequences. it is just so weird that no one actually go ahead and implement what they've already found and know.

Tons of research already support and making it a powerful standalone fact, layman or even the future psychologist just doesn't seems to using it for their own sake.

This is a major wastage, we still rely heavily on our own life experiences that impact us the most, rather than believe what the science of social had told us.

The kind of mentality and level of acceptance of the future psychologist should have change first before they wish to have a larger pool of client in future. How can we expect others to follow what we say when we don't even apply and synchronize psychology in our life.

we been given, educated about psychology and yet we still living like all layman do. if that so, we shouldn't have study psychology in the first place.

Guess this kind of awareness will propels my mentality to a new level. incorporating the wise of many into one great master mind and through this powerful creation- the brain, change my life and the others too.

Clear language

2011-08-07T00:55:00.003+08:00

Things really will get more crystal clear when you actually put it into words.

thoughts are all around, they're not organized, they can be in any form as long they wish to.

but sentences and essays are different, some thought have to put right before another to make sense out of it.

and because language are thought that in the line form, you know exactly what you should to do first and what you're actually thinking and what thought links to another. thing will then seems perfectly simple and sweet enough for you to make effortless but thoughtful decision that is reasonable.

And I feel language is just too powerful that it actually organize thought. but it only works all the time when it is either in spoken or written form. you may argue that mere thinking could work the same too, but having the "could" word, it means there are times where this method wouldn't work.

Having say all this crap, i'm still individual who prefer to use mind, the fluid kind of thought, that things will get super complicated and messy as well almost make every hair of mine drops due to the over usage of brain juice. I still see the beauty of mind where things could seem perfectly fit to one another, but when it was put into words and sentences, they aren't. That's the beauty of brain, they tolerate any form of incompatibility.

Language can also limit my creativity. my brain works faster than my hand. often i find myself struggling to figure out what i've written down and when i figure out, it was actually the overlapping of two different thoughts that my hand couldn't seem to write down them in time, which is why certain words are skip and words related to next thought are filling in the sequence.

being random again that i suddenly feel like talking about my thesis.

I still haven't start anything at all and i received an email that i required to inform Ms. Winnie the number of participants that i wish to recruit by 15 August, 2011. It was a head shot for me to realize that i have little time left for thesis 1 completion and i have yet figure out what topic i want to do. i even worry and thinking whether i am equipped enough to do my thesis.

and i am now being random again that i am too lazy to complete what this essay is about.

so....

SEE YA!

About me - July 30 in 2011

2011-07-31T02:46:00.002+08:00

About me today:

1) I washed car and i don't washed my car rims.

- why is that a matter to be bother about?

-because i never did that to my car ever since i got it.

2) and I realize my car get more and more scratches. feeling pain but nothing i can do about it.

3) been speeding quite a lot recently, a bit impatient, rushing time over the traffic which resulted in faster petrol usage. :(

4) I will tend to avoiding doing must-do things that are more difficult to accomplish in a short time and get myself busy with those unimportant things. which is why my thesis is still delaying.

About basketball:

1) fear can be paralyze you by making you unable to do things that you can usually perform it well.

2) so long did not play and i really doubt about how well can i perform.

3) it was sucks at the beginning but i regain my confident afterwards.

4) feel less guilty as compared to last time when i perform poorly. someone's word is stick into my mind, how can you expect yourself to be perform well when you don't even dare to have first move. This is why people says practice makes perfect, you need more shooting in order to increase your chances of getting points.

5) i wonder whether i'm the one who brought up the culture of clapping hands. i clapped each time they gained points, and slowly i realize more and more people actually clap their hands too. guess everybody need their small way of being compliment by others, which of course including myself, in a slight and indirectly way, i prefer.

6) to stay motivated when you're down is hard, but to be able to do that, it changes a lot of thing. it helps me to get back my pace of playing.

About Boston's restaurant:

1) Once food get people addicted, you can hardly run away it. Now i see the reason for this old saying, to catch a man's heart, you need to first satisfy his stomach. it's pretty true.

2) people willing to wait for one hour just to enjoy good food.

3) the environment is the winning ticket for this restaurant to be so famous, how many restaurant actually have their tables and chairs on roadside? i mean seafood restaurant.

4) you only need one famous dish to catches customer's heart.

5) I guess people simply love to enjoy the moment before the food arriving, they can chit-chat and sit together for a long time with a reasonable reason. :S

And I feel sleepy now. Good night. :)

About Templer's park - 28/07/11

2011-07-30T01:23:00.002+08:00

About Hiking:

1) you hardly get tired, even if you felt so, you get recover soon.

2) it is fun hanging a camera and hike. :)

3) i scare of leach!

4) and i was so lucky that they don't bite me!

About waterfall:

1) omg! I love the cooling waterfall! it is so refreshing.

2) climbing upwards to the peak of waterfall can be really life-threatening, there were seconds of thought thinking i would probably fail to grip and fall to death, but it still feel better than jumping down from a building, at least the scene is green nature.

3) sense of achievement is not there even when i climb to the top, probably it still not stretching me enough that is worth to be proud of.

4) i was climbing super fast at the beginning and feeling to give up afterward because i felt physical fatigue and thought that i couldn't do it anymore. Body can tell lies, and as soon as I rest well enough, i am ready to move on and the thought gone just as fast. I just need a step back when i feel like giving up. A good lesson that impact me directly. Stop and rest if I want to go any further.

5) I have to really clear about my direction. Although to do it is important, some preliminary planning is still essential. I rushed to the top and the next thing i knew is I trapped in the middle of nowhere. front view was a big hush down waterfall, with strong water current. and i were pretty lucky that i did not fall and being washed by the water. If i would have check my direction clearly, as in which way could lead me to the top, this incident will not be happening.

About shooting:

1) i have great time shooting the nature!

2) provided with sufficient sunlight, the nature could be the most stunning feature in this world. and it doesn't need an expert to bring the charm out of it, the nature itself could speak for their own beauty.

3) i should have shoot more people's faces.

4) i am still not creative enough.

5) there will be definitely a second time to go back to the nature and shoot more!~

About me:

1) growing

2) learning

3) to be more me.

All rounded

2011-07-28T00:45:00.002+08:00

Went to an event job today, introduced by Cheryl's best friend ever, Suet Lye (hope I spell her name right).

It was an awesome experience that I actually pressed lift for others, greet welcome and direct them to the lift, eat the food they served, drink the wine (oops! I didn't drank that, because it is wine - alcohol, too bad!), take 4 wine cup with two hands, and talk with someone from Nepal.

Few heard-and-observed-from-others-facts.

About Nepal:

1) It is dirtier than Malaysia

2) the food is equally expensive in Malaysia

3) The job there offer lesser salary - less than RM 1,800

4) There are a lot of mountains over there which make their country development becomes harsh as road is hardly built.

About people from Nepal in Malaysia:

1) 5 years and they can speak almost perfect Chinese, Cantonese, Hokkien, and Malay.

2) They work on contract, for this person, he works for 3 years and when contract ends, he returns and sign another contract to come again.

3) Their salary can go up to RM 2,800, not sure whether is this the limit, but that is the most his circle of friends gaining.

4) They cook themselves because it is cheaper.

5) They stay in small room and big living room.

6) Two different shift people shared one bed, when the morning shift people get up and goes for work, the night shift's turn to use that bed.

7) 2 person in a room, 5-6 in living room.

8) They realize and know their fate is totally put on the hand of the agent and at times, they have no choice but to only comply everything.

About students from PR:

1) they are great social being! :)

2) they talk, talk and talk.

3) PR girls are hot, at least the others all think that way.

4) They expect make-up, and that's the essential part before everything.

5) They like to take pictures of themselves, with other, and others and othersss.

6) They enjoy event like they were been invited, not hired.

7) together with item 6, they drank, they ate, they took pictures.

8) people expect to get intimate with them while taking pictures - waist hug, over shoulder, ermmm, just basically what guys will do when they get a chance. :)

About event:

1) alcohol is always the best tool to get people feel intimate.

2) models are the highlight for photographer.

3) lucky draw gets people together.

4) goodies bag is always the high demand item.

5) the only time you can wear all kind of funny stuff and still no one laugh at you.

6) everyone will be searching for host.

About photographer:

1) I like their big rocket!

2) Many white telephoto-lens!

3) They handle their camera like how a child carry his/her toys.

4) I love their bag too!

This is basically everything I can wrap up for my day.

Hey Tomorrow, see you tomorrow!

Spending spreeeeeeeeeeeeee~

2011-07-26T15:31:00.003+08:00

Been spending quite a lot recently, DSLR, ext. hdd, to name a few.

But i aint considering getting any part time job.

Guess my lazy bug is awakening now, and move actively throughout my body.

There are so many things to do on hand, but yet I refuse to get it started, journals reading to be specific.

Guess this holiday will be long, long enough that I could have done everything that i required to do and this is where self-discipline takes place. I really wanted to see how far i can control myself, prioritize and organize things to make sure everything seems crystal clear to me.

Learning a new skill- photography and also, I want to learn video shooting, editing and PS too. Guess there is too much in my list now. And I planning to list out a 26 to-accomplish-list for my coming 26 birthday.

Here is the two that I can think of now,

1) Help at least one couple to shoot a photo that they satisfy and gave me 8 out of 10.

2) Finish my degree with at least second upper!

Hope I can think for more as time passes!

I'm coming 2012!

Influences

2011-07-11T14:26:00.002+08:00

I've been influenced by one guy, kind of deep impact on me.

No, you made a wrong guess Cheryl, it is not my father.

Not that my father did not influenced me,

but the one I am mentioning is not him.

Chin Guan, this guy has had impact on me and i still think

that more influence is coming in changing me.

I look things in more ways as I used to have.

I want to try more things that I refused to previously.

The way I make decision change too, again,

how it changed, how much it changed, I have no idea.

I just feel that I've changed.

Wonder how powerful social influence are,

that only one person can change another person in

ways that the latter did not realize the influence is taking place.

And when he realized, the changed is implanted.

I guess that's the reason my father told me to know more friend,

talk to more people, don't stick yourself in front of the computer.

I believe that computer can help me, but only to a certain extent.

There is a reason why human are given mouth to talk and emotion to express.

we are social being.

Association

2011-06-19T20:43:00.002+08:00

I'm one who damn love to associate thing.

something especially related to my body, my health.

got an electric shock yesterday evening, it was the strongest shock i've

experienced before. it proven one thing, that love at first sight is like

electric shock, they LIE!

that feeling isn't pleasant at all.

then since then, i'm not feeling well.

i wonder is it because my self-fulfilling prophecy or it is real physiological symptom.

it is then today i went for a jog. and my performance is really not up to the standard.

and i feel very dizzy after my run. i feel like fainted, but luckily i didn't.

is electric shock the cause? i'm not sure. but anyhow, i thought of it as the cause at least twice for that period of time.

or is it true that i'm old already.

or it is because that i facing computer and lack of exercises recently.

people are attributive being.

we like to attribute thing to a cause.

we wonder what cause something to happen.

and that is what make we seem so interesting yet complicated.

step by step, and you will one day get to the peak.

and so...

2011-06-15T22:33:00.002+08:00

And so i'm here. start dreaming how my future will be.

when someone have a dream, the feeling is totally different, even a vague one,

but at least it's a good one.

feel motivated in the sense that there are a lot of things that i can learn in life.

but not motivated when i hardly know which to prioritize.

argh!

2011-04-24T09:53:00.003+08:00

arghh! GOD!

I guess this is the time when people need a God.

May Phuah bless me, myself.

Motivation, mali mali hom!

empty, demotivated

2011-04-23T23:18:00.002+08:00

feeling motivated to get good result as i can foresee that possibility.

but i am so demotivated by the Finals.

not sure why. just doesn't feel like doing anything related to study.

headache.

but i don't know what causes it.

annoying by the "assignment-like-final" or is actual physiological problem.

hate the not-knowing-reason type of "disease".

making my mood fluctuating.

few more days. just few more days.

discovery

2011-04-10T23:26:00.004+08:00

it is a painful path to discover something very personal - the self.

everyone trying to be open as openness is one of those trait that universally desired.

of no doubt, i am one of the fans too.

it is funny when people said they can open to things, but their reaction revealed the opposite.

it is almost a universal truth that things seem to be easier when you speak it out, but difficult once you trying to put it into action. i'm one of those person who contradict themselves.

saying one thing, acting out another.

it's hurt sometimes when you step forward, peeling one layer after another, moving closer to know who you really are.

such discovery may be delighted at times, but when mood swing strikes, it simply make you feel like the world is gonna end, that the next day would be 2012.

but only God know or God also don't even know when the world is gonna end.

when am I victimized myself.

the negative viral is the hardest things to break once you step your foot in.

monitoring helps. to a extent. once you lose track, you lose completely.

let's bring something positive.

when you feel negative, just do something.

the circle break, or at least, interrupted.

i found out that formula. have you find yourself one too?

share with me. i will be delighted.

neutral

2011-04-08T00:31:00.002+08:00

not much excitation and satisfaction gained after completed one of the assignment.

I wonder why.

I wonder why too that i am wondering so much.

reflect back to my previous assignments, although having hectic time where candles have to light up in the middle of the night, i still feel sense of achievement.

that i've done something, that i've "complete" something.

this time, the same feeling did not come back.

why it chose to alienated from me, i don't know.

this time around, i feel empty.

a feeling that i did not gain anything worth to cherish for the completion moment.

i even doubt about my ability that i've done something like that.

not really me, but we.

various factors took place of course.

i did not take into consideration about covariates, and any hidden extraneous variables or whatsoever.

i feel like i am doing the old same stuff, with performance that significantly lower than previous attempt.

sigh. is the subjective self-esteem take-down or it is truly happening in this way.

people say that i am thinking too much, i don't think so,

and when i don't think so, that's the reason they think i am thinking too much.

just as if when they think i am thinking too much, they don't think as much as i do.

and if they were to think as much as i do, then by default, i aint thinking much as compared to any other person.

i am simply thinking. like what you and me are doing, all this while.

life bored. and that is why it is my interest to be interested in interesting.

interestingly bored.

Pechaa Kuchaa

2011-04-01T00:19:00.002+08:00

Pechaa Kuchaa which means "chit-chat" is originated from Japan where every speaker have to speaks for 20 seconds on each slide for 20 slides in total.

I thought it not gonna be that fun as to what RM10 ticket can actually do.

I was way too wrong in making such guess.

This event worth much more than RM10 actually does.

In fact, I even doubt that they might have hidden charges somewhere later on.

because it just seems so impossible that i get this kind of performances with only RM 10!

I have to say that all the presenters which comprise of lecturers and students, they are outrageously awesome in their speech.

they stimulate my brain. make me feel that my brain was so long in getting it own sweet sleep, and just wakes up and wave hands saying hi to me.

talented people are everywhere. i was really impressed by their performances.

i even hold my bladder, worry i miss any good pieces of cake.

i can't stop laughing and i can still feel cramping feeling over my cheek that resulted from over laughing.

It was really a great success from the organizing teams. they did a awesome job!

I would go for another one next year definitely.

And you should too!

i thought.

2011-03-30T01:02:00.001+08:00

i thought i've mentioned it countless time.

i thought...

心不在焉

2011-03-28T23:40:00.002+08:00

自己好像很心不在焉的。

没有活在当下。

有很多时候，

会突然的发现，

这种感觉。

没有给百分百的专注力，

在自己的生活上。

这让我觉得，

我活得枉然。

有反省的日子，虽然空洞，却真实。

真空般的写实。

以为有些东西，

细看下，却似乎什么都没有。

因为有了似乎，我觉得有东西的可能性是绝对存在的。

人很奇怪，

我也很奇怪。

在相同的本质上，寻求分别，找寻自我。

却又为了这个分别，提起干戈，把自己归类，只跟相同的自己存活。

人因为分别而有自我的意识。

人因为相同而不分你我。

人，好像什么都可以概括。

泛滥的可怕。

完美的容纳。

啊！

都是一线之间！

都是我脑袋惹的祸！

killing

2011-03-17T10:55:00.002+08:00

killed a "lipan" in toilet yesterday.

feeling so guilty for what i have done.

wonder why.

if killing is a means of protection,

then i should have justified myself for that.

but i didn't get any comfort.

it might be true that for it to stay in the toilet

can bring harm to my mum and my little 2 years old nephew.

I think i could have done it in another way.

erm, i think i will find a way to flush them off instead of hitting

them with solid item.

Feel pain while doing so.

Grrrrrrr...........!!!

excuses

2011-03-15T01:37:00.002+08:00

no more excuses for myself i think.

i had it enough.

regret on things that i haven't done.

but i think keep on complaining without any further move,

there will be more coming out.

i still young.

don't care whether tomorrow the world gonna end.

i still have my day.

i still have my flow.

感同身受.

2011-03-12T00:28:00.003+08:00

很奇怪的,我没所谓的感同身受的基因.

人家辛苦,我没什么感受.

人家凄凉,我不当一回事.

人家落难,我却没感觉的, 真的没有.

奇怪....

fatigue but content

2011-03-11T13:32:00.002+08:00

i am feeling fatigue.

Aches all over my body, especially my left shoulder,

the side effect after carrying my BIG laptop around UNI.

Have not really gone into quality sleep lately,

i guess it was the bed that produce such misery on me,

or it was the stress that accumulated due to procrastination.

I personally like best to sleep in my dadi's room,

or my own room in Sri Sinar.

Reason of favoritism?

Simple, i can be naked in either room.

and yes!

the quality of the bed is high too!

not missing the day that i am able to sleep till the sun burnt my butt.

rather, i miss the days where i can woke up early in the morning

and went for a jog or few basketball games.

Guess I am moving into middle adulthood as adolescences

are those who loves night life but it no longer apply to me.

it is still fresh in memory that how i spent endless night playing DotA

and ended up woke up 3 or 4pm afternoon the next day.

trust me, it doesn't feel good at all!

and Trust me again, sweat in the morning makes you feel good better than having sex!

(for those who got no chance to have one).

shall back to the work, see you in real soon!

brain differences

2011-03-10T12:51:00.004+08:00

http://www.livescience.com/13083-criminals-brain-neuroscience-ethics.html

this article suggests brain differences exist between criminal and lay person and they did provide neuroscience evidence to back it up.

however, they did say also that not all people with such brain differences go into antisocial personality and commit crime.

and what is most fascinating (at least for them) is that such traits can be identify as early as before the age of 3.

and they even further contend that such traits can be change after identified and "cure" in their sense.

so, my question is, if you say that such trait would not definitely goes into criminal production but only a high correlation, who are you to judge and to help those who you so called "the criminal-gonna-be" children.

it is really a little bit unfair to judge them long before they could even know what world is about.

and provide help which already "schematize" the parents and the helpers that this children gonna be a criminal and we are there to "cure" it.

pathetic.

outlier

2011-03-08T21:24:00.003+08:00

don't judge on a normal scale,

you're already the outlier in my own scale.

simple rule.

2011-03-06T00:10:00.003+08:00

there is a simple rule to choose what research to do,

and i am saying the two main approaches, qualitative and quantitative.

if you are those who love... uhm, let me rephrase that, "crazy" to be appropriate, about reading story, bunch of story, then qualitative seems to be your perfect match.

if you are born-with-stats-gene type of people, then with no doubt, quantitative study is like the oxygen to your blood, the necessity of your life, then just tug your head in it.

how if you love both? i treat that as rare cases, but you do can get both!

there is something on this earth called mixed method.

wow! how brilliant the idea is, to mix quali and quanti together and it called mixed!

i think i might go for this as you see, i am a greedy person too!

how if you don't like both?

then what the heck you want to do research,

go out, the forest is yet to be explore, find your perfect soul.

自我期待

2011-03-04T20:11:00.003+08:00

很奇怪的感觉。

想写些什么的，却毫无头绪。

生活很奇怪。

想做些什么的，却无从下手。

马路很奇怪。

小巷大路的，却不知何去何从。

我很姓赖。

不是赖人的赖，是依赖的赖。

很听人家说的话。

大家喜欢的东西，我都会去做。

大家觉得酷的东西，我也会去做。

有时，怕出丑，

也会象贼似的，躲在一旁，不敢出声。

有时，想炫耀，

就豪不保留的，倾囊相出。

有时，不想炫耀，

却四处毫无声息，也做起小丑来，

装做炫耀。

很奇怪，就因为自己年纪大了些，

有时也会做起大哥来。

很遗憾，

灵感泉涌时，却让他白白溜走。

很遗憾，

脑袋清晰时，却做垃圾事情。

很遗憾，

应该孝顺时，却选着了自傲。

面子，让遗憾不对等的丢了。

我，活在遗憾。

不过，

那也只是有时的事。

Life goal

2011-03-04T14:59:00.002+08:00

A different life goal signify a distinctive way of life.

interact with someone who wish to proceed for phD and becomes a doctor.

how is his path gonna be like?

first, he finish his third year in HELP and fly over Australia to finish his fourth year then get his honours over there

and lastly get his phD over there.

then i ask, why don't you finish third year in HELP and you still get your honours what?

then he said, but Australia don't accept Malaysia honours degree program, you got to do it there.

and the reason why he has to get Australia to accept the honours is with that, he can directly get his phD.

Skip master and directly go for phD? i asked.

Yeah. he said. he felt that time is essence and now there is this chance, why should he reject?

i am not impress that he is going Flinder UNI, Australia.

instead, i am amazed by his certainty in his career path.

i am interested to learn as high as i could too, degree, master then phD.

this is exactly the chance for me too, can save time and cost and invest now in the fourth year then soon go for phD.

But i don't seem to appeal with it.

i know the answer better than anyone else.

i want to but i aint sure how desperate i am.

and that is why i can't make the decision.

his advice is constructive, indeed.

he ask me to make the decision, you have to first ask yourself.

what actually the career path you wish to have?

go into research or practice?

if practice then master is more than enough.

if research then phD will be your perfect choice.

I am kind of greedy person.

i wish to have all at once but reality always bang me down, telling it is never possible.

it is possible of course, but for my current mentality, i don't it is so.

when it comes to selecting options,

we wish to have it all, or at least, as much as we could.

but at this moment, i feel i can't be better if i tackle both.

it is based on a simple assumption, when you have skin problem,

you will go for skin specialist or general medical doctor?

i like to have definite answer though there is always grey areas in almost everything.

another reason that i don't want to go is that i can't leave everything behind.

personal growth might be crucial but i always think there is other way but this.

put yourself in dilemma can stimulate thinking more than usual.

a dilemma a day keeps wisdom intact.

i have my dilemma today.

had you?

lack of motivation

2011-03-02T22:18:00.002+08:00

wonder where all my motivation went in the midst of studying.

it is unusual for me to felt moments of discouragement to continue reading.

it was so not me but yet it is me. part of me is shatter,

and some part of older me is surfacing.

i have this feeling of disorganize. that a lot of things are not in order.

i feel so frustrated when things did not come in my way.

and as for before, i choose to kept it under my boundary.

now the limit seems downgraded, i gave in to emotion so easily,

like i'm the slave and it is the emperor that i have to obey and listen to.

i forget long time the song listen to your heart.

how long i haven't listen to my own heart.

how long i didn't gave time for myself.

is the shortening-boundary has any relationship with DotA?

that i don't have the right occasion to get loose myself.

i wonder and i ponder.

yet no solutions seem to emerge.

merging myself in the book world yet i am distracting by my emotion.

i wonder what happen to me.

is it a vicious cycle that i have to feel depress for every March-to-come.

or simply, life events like to put people down.

or simply, i've been living too good that i don't even feel i deserved to,

and so i feel guilty, and so i wish to be push but limits seem overwhelming.

hi, the shattered pieces.

when are you going to glue yourself.

glue yourself back to your never-got-to-be-the-same originality.

Immerse

2011-03-02T14:45:00.002+08:00

Been immersed myself into basketball lately.

I need to find a place to isolate myself from the invisible built-up-stress recently.

little by little, it is not harmful for it to be in its isolated part,

but as it persists, build up, the tension making my shoulder feel heavy.

I need a short break, for it previously was dump my head into the unrealistic DotA world,

now it is a healthier lifestyle - basketball.

Wonder when this activity has becomes one of my catharsis, to get rid of all my distress to nowhere.

Can this be name as a way of coping? perhaps, as I see no harm it did to me.

it is impossible that human can get everything they want all the time.

It is hard to delay gratification. or it is even hard time for you if rejection been given.

or the worst is that you being ignored?

inspired by a lot of things lately, but too bad i don't making the effort to record down all the

thought that came across which i classified as superb.

and to be frank, i have forgotten everything.

is being forgetful a powerful weapon human had to defend themselves?

if that so, what are they protecting and why do they need to do so?

things will turn out nicely i think.

as i was inspired.

and wish to continue being inspire, by myself, others, and something.

Indeed.

2011-02-24T23:33:00.000+08:00

Indeed, i got a cb face. sorry for that fact.

ARGGGGGGGGGGGH!

it feels Good looking back

2011-02-23T09:55:00.001+08:00

I feel funny that i actually wrote this.

people change, huh?!

http://vincentphuah.blogspot.com/2010/01/accident.html

Growth - basketball

2011-02-23T01:09:00.004+08:00

I can feel the growth in me.

two particular growth to point out today.

the person besides you, most of the time, is the one who see the true picture of you.

take their point, and you can see the amazing change in you.

two person voice out my weakness while playing basketball,

one is my girl friend, another one is a totally stranger that it was the first time we met.

my girl friend wonders, why I seem like more fatigue and rushed breath than others player who

were in the same game with me.

I thought all this while it was my own physical problem, but soon i realize it wasn't.

it was merely mental. not psychotic that type of mental problem,

but simply mindset and attitude.

i wonder how i change too.

I don't feel as fatigue as i always felt before, and of course, i am glad with such changes.

ah! the stranger!

he told me to be ready and alert always.

I never thought of that, i mean, never thought that would be a problem for me

as I thought: "didn't I ready and alert all the time?"

I was wrong, obviously. Sometimes, i couldn't get the ball my group members passed.

I started aware of that. And he just told me few words, and a simple hand gesture,

it solved my problem.

He raised up his hand to shoulder height, a ready-to-fight-gesture, only the fingers are widespread, a posture as though the ball is coming your way and you ready to catch it

and he told me to maintain this posture all the time.

Wow! It works well!

A coach in life do makes life easier,

it could be your girlfriend, your mother, your brother, your best friends,

or simply a perfect stranger!

So, don't ever reject one's words, until you really think and try it.

if your words work for you or others, why not the others' word work on you as well?

不痛不痒

2011-02-22T00:00:00.002+08:00

乏味的人生，应该就是危机吧。

有规律，被征服了的事，会让人颓废吧。

被反驳，被挑战，才能活下去吧。

最难找的动力，应该就是发自内心的那种吧。

罢了吧。

吧。。。

simple heart

2011-02-08T22:35:00.002+08:00

learning to calm down when i'm suppose to be heat-up.

learning to treat the same thing with different heart.

learning to do the same thing with simple mind.

learning how to learn thing with a learning heart.

i'm a learner. 0-0

学以致用

2011-01-29T15:08:00.001+08:00

我想,这才是我的最大弱点吧.

未来,等着吧!

I want to.

2011-01-22T15:44:00.002+08:00

I do it because I WANT to do it and not because I should do it.

you never know how much the impact of language can did to your mind.

I did it because I WANT to.

蠢蠢欲动

2011-01-20T00:58:00.004+08:00

内心的自己，蠢蠢欲动，感觉像是要开大餐。

想要干一番大事业。

不是赚很多很多的钱，

不是驾大大辆的车，

不是买大大间的屋，

也不是把课里最美的妹子把到手，

更不是把最帅的男同学搞同性。

我想突破自己。

做自己以为自己做不到的事，

做自己一直要的，却迟迟不做的事，

做自己在做的，却不是尽力的事。

突然发现，

三个字就可以做个结论了。

做自己！

更发现，

突破极限就是那么简单的一回事啊！

it is not far.

2011-01-17T07:30:00.002+08:00

I know how far i can go.

and i believe that distance is closed to infinity.

anticipating to meet you in near future, wait for me.

Hi, the future me.

dilemma.

2011-01-13T22:25:00.003+08:00

arghh...!

Results are great indicator of the effort you paid off.

for some, it might be true. but why this particular subject just doesn't apply with this theory?

quite sad and disappointed with the result that just came out.

why the standard for one subject is so in huge difference compare to another?

My mind to choose Psychology in workplace shaken.

Because I can't assure myself that i can get a good grade with this subject.

some say, don't haunted by the past, get up from where you fall.

of course the same thing apply in opposite too.

if you has been beaten so terribly in the past,

why should you go again if you knew the same thing might happen once more.

the high-energetic-me just right before all of the things that happen in this week,

began to scatter around.

i can't found any pieces of me.

okay, maybe not all that broken, but most of it yes.

please forgive me, i do like to exaggerate.

i still have chance to be a rising sun,

given choosing appropriate subjects and be consistent in my works.

should i risk myself to take a subject that i kind-of-like-but-not-that-much and get a terribly grade (which i also not so sure, that's why i called it a risk), or just postpone and wait for a better one and push more hard work afterward.

Life is about problem solving and decision making all the time, isn't it?

Haiz....

Yeah! BABY!!!!! (i put this line bcz i don't like "Haiz" to be the end of my story. ~.~)

Baby!

2011-01-08T20:19:00.002+08:00

another new life warmly enter our family.

my eldest sister gave born her second baby,

and QFeng is now becomes kor kor already!

wonder will he jealous,

wonder will he get annoys,

wonder whether he treats it as a threat or a gift.

i think i'm worrying too much.

QFeng will becomes a good kor kor, i bet my life on it. *oops.

Fret not, he won't let me down although he is just two years old.

guess few more semesters later, i will be able to take up therapeutic play subject as

i met the requirement. :)

假期终了。

2011-01-08T12:13:00.003+08:00

假期就快完了。

真的是转眼间。

我有很多计划，

不切实际的，都作了。

应该做的，我却没做。

至少，我也做了一些吧？

再一天，我又要埋头钻研课业了。

希望这次我能得到更高的享受。

前一个学期的功课，我做到很差。

我并没尽力。

有点失望，有点无奈。

所谓的团队精神，并没发挥的淋漓尽致。

有心或无心，我全不然。

个人因数或他人？

我也难以推测。

新学期，

会是个全新的开始吗？

还是依然懵懂的腐肉人生。

就让时间来见证吧。

New habit?

2011-01-07T02:29:00.002+08:00

Shawn: sino again meh? do something else lah.

Me: then ah. we go limteh and read books.

Shawn: sui! kia.

It is then we went "espress cafe" for a cup of drink.

but the so-called reading didn't happened, card playing instead.

it doesn't seems any different as compared to a normal mamak tea time,

but only the environment, higher prices of the tea and availability of board game.

more girls around perhaps.

chit-chat like normal, few rounds of card game and the-disgusting-punishment-that-never-once-all-agreed-to-act-upon.

after the coffee tale, same old story, drive ahead to cyber cafe.

wow. it is now more unusual!

we not only play DotA, but kick-start it by a cup of tea, or coffee, or ais kacang or whatsoever.

words after event?

ermm..

it is another great time.

anticipating for a more meaningful habit that worth for time devotion.

梦～

2011-01-06T20:25:00.003+08:00

梦。

发了一连串可怕的梦。

可怕，并不是因为有狰狞的面孔或血淋淋的画面。

而是，梦看透了我最害怕发生的事。。。

残酷的一幕幕上演在我的梦里。

你好可怕，梦。。。

我忘了那可怕的梦。

只因为那些梦本来我就不想发生的。

只朦胧的记得，我的女友被人抢了。

还有别的，就真的记不起来了。

我醒来，很无助，还以为事情真的发生了。

好茫然。。。

心情也真的糟透了。

梦，

可爱也可恨啊。。。

badminton

2011-01-06T00:19:00.002+08:00

wow...

playing badminton is more exhaustive that i thought,

in the way that i used so much strength but don't get the result i want.

had a glance to my friend, every move by him seems effortless.

i felt envy of course.

i sensed anxiety pulling my every nerves back, refrain them to connect each other to perform their very best.

my teammate can did nothing to me, seeing each mistakes that one should never has done by me.

i bruised in shame, trying to avoid any further wrongdoing, covered the embarrass with silly laughter.

i can feel the disequilibrium, that i have the great length to be achieved as compared with my friend.

i am happy with the imbalance.

i am happy that i have a long journey to go.

i am happy that i have something to be improved.

though much things in my life are imbalance.

though my previous path never grew flowers and green leaves.

though most of the things in my life still need further refinement.

it did give me further stimulation.

thanks my partner giving me an opportunity to start playing badminton few weeks back.

i do love the exhaustive feeling after continuous matches, and the painful feeling over my right arm's muscles.

but i do concern about the boredom my opponent would get playing with a low standard player.

i do feel how they felt as same thing happens in other area of my life.

give and take,

there must be always someone be able to give then only the other would get.

don't worry, i won't let you all down.

one day, you gonna face another great player that triggers your panic bugs.

Rome aint built in a day, isn't it?

可怕

2011-01-03T21:22:00.002+08:00

没目标的人生啊．就像待宰的肥猪，要死了还吃

我想，最可怕的事，

是你不知道你要做什么，

但是你就是想要做什么．

停滞的人生，

总该有个启动键吧？

我找了很久，就是找不到．

以为在那边，按了刻久，才发现那不是．

好可怕．

无知总是可怕．

曾经，我把它看作无常，

是顺应大自然的个性，

是理所当然的事．

没被铁板砸到的人，永远不知道它的痛．

砸到了，以为自己体验了人生最痛．

却忘了，没了铁板，还有铁锤，木头，铜钟。

很多事，说不定人家已经放下了，而你却还是耿耿于怀。

也说不定，你已放下了，人家还是咬着你的尾巴不放。

谁也没错，只不过生活方式不同罢了。

有人喜爱带着仇恨过世，有人睁只眼，闭只眼，也有人放开自己，因为包容代表解脱。

我犯了很多错误，小错，大错。

我不懂我是否有原谅自己，也不懂他人有没有原谅我，

而我也就懵懂的打算苟且一生。

愤世吗？

我看不然吧。

气馁比气愤占较多的分比。

我也看不懂自己。

人啊！

总是在没目标的时候，

想得多一点。

而我，

就是那只猪。

Mood to blog

2011-01-01T23:46:00.001+08:00

hmm...

wonder when is the next time my mood to blog will comes.

stay tuned.

disappointed.

2010-12-19T00:36:00.002+08:00

advised mother not to bought the air-boom products.

i failed miserably.

hatred and anger harbor. not because my mother ended up buying,

instead because i never knew i've been so much distant with my mum

that i don't even get what is in her mind.

maybe i've been focused on other areas of my life and

forget to care for the wonderful creature that create me.

like others, she needs a listening ear too.

overlimit?

2010-12-16T21:12:00.003+08:00

Is my mood for holidays came already?

If not, why I aint in the mood to study for my final.

my progress is slow here!

Temptation is hard to resist, that's the reason they are called temptation.

it makes perfect sense isn't it?

Some people craved for alcohol, some for drugs, some for certain foods or cake.

and like, i crave for more excitement!

not something so extreme like bungy jump or super roller coaster (i'm guessing there will be people said that isn't extreme also), but merely some mental excitation.

DoTA can gives me this kind of excitement, singing too!

now only can i understand why my father so in love of alcohol.

that theory is simply something like what i am loving to do now.

it is just the matter of choice, context and etc.

alcohol gave him something he wants, same effect as DoTA did on me.

little it gives satisfaction and euphoric, but more it could kills you.

maybe you're right sometimes.

what's wrong having a few drinks after back from work.

Hey dad, how about a cup of drink?

Bruno mars

2010-12-13T11:07:00.003+08:00

Love Bruno mars's songs lately.

"Grenade" to be specific, "just the way you are" is the second highlight,

and realized that he got plenty of nice songs too,

"never say you can't" isn't bad too!

and there goes another idol came into my idol list

after Jay Chou, Jam Hsiao and Gary Chaw.

If I have to rank them down,

i guess below would be the arrangement.

1) Jay Chou

2) Jam Hsiao

3) Bruno Mars

4) Gary Chaw

Rationale behind?

let's go through from the first.

1) Jay Chou

His talent is undeniable. Wide range of instruments that he could play and piano would be his best of all. Huge personal bias contributed my favoritism toward him. His songs accompany me first of all the others genre and artists. And once I attached to it, it never seems that i tend to listen other people's songs. I can say that his songs are one of those that could touch my soul. Comfort me perhaps, revised me of my feeling, and get straight exactly to what i felt. I couldn't deny the fact that Fang Wen Shan's writings are awesome. But i just don't think other's people voice could ever translate the feeling of the lyrics.

2) Jam Hsiao

I saw his spark when he first "pk" the contestant in one of Taiwan famous singing competition "超级星光大道". However, i only felt that he is cool rather than any else. after searching for his background, knowing how he grew, his attitudes, and his songs as time pass, i started fond towards him. just somehow could sense that he is one of the singers that sing their heart out though few of the songs i didn't felt so but most of it yes.

3) Bruno Mars

I don't even know who the hell he is if i never exposed to Jason Chen's songs. To be honest, i am wondering too why i aint have this special admire towards Jason Chen as compared to Bruno Mars. Jason Chen did a cover on "grenade" by Bruno Mars. I feel it is kind of nice, it is then i go and search for his lyrics. i was like wow, nice lyrics and a great cover. lastly, i go and search for the original singer- Bruno Mars and the next thing i know is that i am in kind-of-love-that-milder-than-love with him.

4) Gary Chaw

Frankly speaking, part of the reason that i like Jam Hsiao and Gary Chaw's song are because that one of my friend - Shawn Ng, he can sang so nice in their songs and make me love their songs. that's why i started looking out their songs other than Jay Chou. Gary Chaw, learnt piano without any formal education and purely on his own. His adventure in music industry did much more impact in my liking towards him. someone told him when he first trying to step his foot in Taiwan: you can sing but your face looks ugly, i advise you better get back to where you from - Malaysia, and don't be embarrassing yourself over here. he got hurt but he never give up and keep striving his best, went through tough time of his drunk-and-hit incidents. He shows people who he was, and he changed, keep improving to shows everyone that as long people never give up on him, he will do the same too.

how about your favorite singers? :)

part of me - competitive

2010-12-05T22:34:00.002+08:00

to my surprise, i realize that i'm highly competitive.

I would have know it long time ago, but i thought i was having it only mild.

i get highly motivated when i knew that i am being challenged

or at least, i make virtual challenge by comparing myself with others.

and of course, the result is out of my expectation - something that i can never imagined i would have done it.

so, i wonder whether it is a good thing or not.

my counselor said it was a good one.

it led me to a highly focus state, performed something out of ordinary.

it push me further in another sense.

in certain circumstances, i can sense the competitive nature in me burning hot.

of course, i get very excited. i smelt life.

but it doesn't seems that this nature serves me right when it relate others.

there are people out there just don't like this kinda thingy.

comparing and comparing.

and like most this people out there, i was once like them.

hated my father comparing myself to his friend's daughter.

part of the reason i am so discourage is that, it seems impossible to outrun her.

but the matter of fact is, i did in the end.

it is so funny that something i once hate, is now something i treasure.

i see the good thing in it.

and according to my counselor, rather that it is a weakness, i should view it as a strength.

it is what constitute ME, a part of me.

anything goes to extreme, you and me absolutely know that it will went wrong with no doubt.

and of course i should give credit to my dad that he had implant this on me long time ago.

whether aware or unconscious, it had now live in/with me,

from the past, living in the present, and carry to the future.

i am glad that i have a wonderful gift from you. thank you once again.

Learnt.

2010-12-04T13:51:00.002+08:00

Prof. Quek gave us an inspiring lecture in the past Friday...

saying have you spot any differences early in the semester and now?

None of us raise up our hands,

it could be our culture that we don't seem to cooperate well with our lecturer,

or it might be simply the students make no sense out of it.

what she meant is simply whether had we realize that we have learnt something out from this course.

to her disappointment, our responses portrayed the opposite.

I stunted a little while when she asks that question.

i doubt i have learnt as i did not contribute much in the group assignment,

neither I had full attendant to the lectures.

This semesters were definitely not a good one for me.

I scored not bad for my midterm test but assignments and quizzes pull down my scores a lot.

Should I be grateful as at least i did decent in midterm, so that i won't fall that bad eventually?

or should I keep the hatred to myself, as I did bad in my assignments and make my previous efforts wasted.

Time for dinner.

See ya.

Hi, dad!

2010-12-01T17:02:00.003+08:00

Dreamed at this early morning. why am i so sure that it's on this morning?

because the sunshine permeated through the windows and awaken me.

it was a good time to have another nap, and then i fall asleep again.

and that is the time where my dream has its start.

it is absolutely a peaceful dream.

with my dad sleeping like usual on the floor,

i felt a familiar feeling, and that is the feeling that i've been searching for so long.

And i thought the feeling can never be back to my heart.

i was wrong.

it is here again.

knowing that he is still with me all this while,

calm me a lot.

although he never gave me a promise,

but i just know that he promised that he won't leave me alone.

i always deny that my dad had an influence on me.

and now, it is proven that i am wrong, again.

Hi, dad.

it's good to see you again.

Last session

2010-11-29T20:54:00.002+08:00

Today is the last session with my counselor.

Although he is one still under internship and required compulsory hours to quantify himself, i still find he is someone very good to talk to.

Bonding is of course very important.

I think the key point that bring my session to success is because i am willing to trust.

I don't keep secret, uhm.. let me rephrase that, i don't filtered as much information to him compared to other people that in the same category with him - stranger.

Well,

i did feel myself reluctant to end this last session.

it is that kind of feeling i can't have it enough.

very rarely you found someone who don't spoke from their point of view first and listened.

although it is clear that he was there for credit hour, but it might his genuine intention to help people in that way.

maybe he think that, many people are not being heard.

at least, i do think in that way.

not in the mood of blogging. see ya.

thin

2010-11-28T04:30:00.003+08:00

my girlfriend said i actually look better when i am thin, because my cheek bone is obvious and it provides a more structured-look rather than a face that surround by meat and fat with no edge at all.

another friend said i don't look good when i thin, she said i look better when i am "fat" last time.

I don't actually remember that i was once "fat" before, so i assumed that she actually compared the now-me with the previous-me and so, she actually meant i was fatter last time compare to now.

one said yes, another said no.

however, you might get me wrong.

i aint trying to say what should i do- to remain my current or gain weight.

I point it out merely the fact that it was interesting to take notion.

i never have the intention to gain weight or to diet so that i could get my current body status.

It's just that i don't feel like eating as much as before.

or more simply, why should i eat more than i required?

it is not as if i am someone who work as labor who required good source of carbohydrates to gain strength.

i am literally doing nothing after dinner, other than simple mind-working or walking up and down the stair. or maybe include defecation and urination if you want to put that into account.

so what for i eat so much?

it is a waste of resources and at the same time i am burden my body with the risk of getting diabetes and used up extra energy to digest something that i don't need.

this whole thing above reminded me of something related that i said and after some feedback from others, it left me in deep thoughts.

remember the classic example of how your parents will use when you didn't finish up the food content?

Yeah! that's the one - do you know African children got no food to eat?

then one of my friend pointed it out saying that do you think by eating the food i can help the children?

my answer. of course you did!

firstly, your parents are increasing your awareness that somewhere in the world, there are misfortune fellow human being got no food to eat, and their daily concern is not about the due date of assignment paper, rather, is where to get the food.

second, they are teaching you to appreciate what you got. in specific, to appreciate the food that you are eating. not finishing the content can be partially your responsibilities of wasting the food.

for example, if you are the one who knew you aren't going to finish the food that you ordered, then it is obviously your fault! resources is definite and can be used up. it is not meant for wastage. you might think it doesn't seem matter at all, because there is only little left. well, i am sure you've learnt the simplest formula in the world, sikit-sikit jadi bukit.

another thing i wish to point it out is, even you are the one who pay to get the food.

but please be reminded that you are buying from the slaughter, or any third party, they are all human, i never see they have the right to sell a "life" to you.

so, you are paying to the seller, not to the animal.

the animal aint get any kind of compensation.

and now you are served with their body part and yet declining to eat due to some stupid reasons that i've found - that part is not delicious. it is still forgivable but debatable that you stop eating because you are full. but now the animal sacrificed their life and provide the energy to you through consumption, yet never once a thank you came out from your mouth but even reject to eat it because you don't like that part.

even a tiger is more humilitarian than a human.

they only seek for food when they need it.

if they are full, i can assure you that the baby would be absolutely fine if you put them together with the tiger at that moment.

and whenever they caught a prey, they finished it up before move on to another.

they never left any rubbish-dump-food.

if you are not vegetarian.

at least, appreciate the food you are eating,

don't overtake the amount that you are capable of.

framing your argument with a nice gold frame wouldn't make you better,

rather, it gives me only a sense of immaturity.

assignments~

2010-11-24T22:15:00.002+08:00

some new insights gained in the midst of doing assignments or, should i say, assignment.

learning, and make adaptation accordingly.

wish next time will be better.

should be reflective, for self-discovery to happen.

we shall see again.

academically relevent

2010-11-06T16:52:00.001+08:00

maybe i should write something regarding on human personality.

maybe..

stay tuned then.

fatigue

2010-11-03T00:39:00.002+08:00

feeling fatigue out of a sudden.

thought my energy will be re-energize, who ever thought this could be happen.

thought --> feeling --> behavior.

there must be one kind of inner thought that trigger your emotion and

cause you to behave in a certain manner in the end.

Trace back the inner thought is so important that if you ignore,

it can be of difficulty to get it back or never get it return.

i hate to be emotional.

it was once i love to be.

but now, when it touches the reality,

making me counterproductive, it is really a waste of energy and time

hey, brother. alz iz wellz!

*whistle!

Counselling session

2010-11-02T00:18:00.002+08:00

i've disclosed more and more in my counselling sessions.

wondering whether that could be contagious in the end or not.

contagious in the sense that i am addicted in sharing,

sharing my personal life so much, to another third party that

i don't even closed to.

but it is definitely a great insight while in the process.

i see so much things in myself that i never really care and aware of.

i thought those things wouldn't be impacting my life so much,

to the degree that i might acted deviant sometimes.

not to the extreme to committing a crime of course,

but some other thing that i don't do it usually.

it seems to be pathetic that we can learn ourself only through the visual glass from others.

i am still learning to evaluate myself instead of that i need to adjust my self-esteem accordingly to the judgments of others all this while.

like it or not, it has been my ways of doing it since like nobody's years.

the matter of truth is that, can i really make it?

self-efficacy plays a crucial roles, definitely.

but is just that i don't really think i am capable of thinking in that way.

a little of deception need to be done.

self-hypnosis too, perhaps.

still and keep exploring, the life of a human.

Label

2010-11-01T02:53:00.002+08:00

i hate to be labelled.

as much as i hate that the label is hard to get remove.

another bad day.

Blog walker?

2010-10-28T21:53:00.002+08:00

There are more and more "blog walker" stopby and just simply leave a message in order for me to go back to their site for them to get traffic.

Nice tactic but when the intention is reveal, I feel disappointed.

I feel my back-up stamina had been took for use.

Maybe I spent too much time and energy on some sort of unnecessary arguments.

As well unnecessary intra-psychic confrontation to each other.

Need other kind of musics to stimulate me more.

The usual songs that I listened to work no more as well to me.

Wonder why too.

What kind of musics and songs that I am searching for, I hope to have an answer too.

Rather than searching for it, why don't I create it myself?

Wow! Good idea.

But how? I don't know how to play musical instrument, nor I have any musical basic.

Even do re mi fa so are still sound strange for me.

Pick it up? Oh sure. Let's see what can I do.

It gonna be hectic.

2010-10-25T23:32:00.002+08:00

Hope I'll be able to focus and prioritize task-on-hand without having to compromise

my revision too.

I know it gonna be hectic, and it seems like unbearable too.

I think I can do it. Doesn't matter how, I just knew I can do it.

Hope my effort pays out in the end.

We shall wait and see.

it's time to drop by.

2010-10-21T00:55:00.002+08:00

Couples of time I wish to drop by and mark down some significant things that have happened

lately but it is weird that I actually not motivated to do it once I open the webpage.

Why? you must be thinking. this is exactly the same question that wander across my thought.

I don't pay much thought to it, just as how I treated my time.

let it pass, let it be.

On Tuesday morning, I woke up seeing the clock strikes at 10.00am, for that instant, my distress arise uncontrollably.

mixture of anger and irritation bathed my face, school-less Tuesday didn't begin at the good start.

feeling miserably for not being to keep up to my schedule.

I not wanting to wake up so late. It wasn't in my original plan.

But blame who if I am the one who did it.

Not being able to follow the plan is just so pathetic.

i deserved sympathy from myself - such a poor little boy, you couldn't keep up to what you've plan, pity pity.

everything should trace back to Monday morning or even Friday night to search for the root of all cause.

guilty, shame, angry, and disappointed - my conscience is alarming that it is facing threat.

I can't help just like you can never save the water pour from the bail.

Wow, clueless.

= the end=

In denial.

2010-10-12T21:27:00.003+08:00

I've been putting myself in state of denial that my grandfather is still alive unconsciously.

It is only today, I realized, again, that my grandfather has passed away.

Wonder how this kind of thing can happen on me as well.

I thought I am being so in control of my life, emotion, thought, and etc,

but as you might guess, I have little or no control in fact.

Life is mysterious, just like me, you and him.

泪痕

2010-10-09T21:19:00.002+08:00

又让泪水模糊了视线。

我感觉不到它的体温，就好像他的一样，先是冷冰，后变灰烬。

我开始想拥抱，就像以往上学般，从后熊抱。

挡了寒风，挡了风尘。

那是一种怎样也找不回的安全感。

算了。

我还天真地以为那不会是永远。

而显然，永远的，离开了。

－毕－

At least

2010-10-09T20:45:00.002+08:00

At least he attended my convo back to my diploma graduation..

It is my utmost dream for him to attend my degree's convocation,

obviously, that was a dream that can never happen.

at least, he attended.

too bad, he won't be there for my degree.

I want him to see I get degree,

like how much I miss him.

Or perhaps, I miss him more.

I want to sleep in my own house.

I want to feel the love he has been poured on me all that while, before he passed away.

I can feel him, at least the moment I sleep on his bed, before I went into the dream.

Not as strong as few months back.

But, truly, I miss u.

It is occasionally in my mind.

If you ever come back, will I treat you like the same.

Perhaps there is a second chance, I will still do what I did.

For not appreciated your love and care.

For not appreciated your advice and anger.

I, indeed, am not a filial son.

please don't take my daddy away.

That punishment is just too harsh for me.

When will I ever grow.

thought I've grew, in fact, i'm not.

still dwelling on the same matter.

still get scolded by the same reason.

few times, I wished you were there to help.

Help me in my r'ship.

Help me in my life.

Help me.

I wasn't that strong like how you see me.

Or never did you thought I'm strong.

I still need your nurture.

still need you scolding to make me grow stronger,

desperately like a hungry baby craving for mummy's breast.

please don't go.

I should put that as a wish for my 21st birthday,

if it's true that wish will comes true.

At least...

You came for my convo.

Dad, I love you.

Being a tutor.

2010-09-27T21:47:00.002+08:00

Being a tutor doesn't seems as worst as it sounds like.

I have this particular concern that everything gonna be serious and strict.

But at least, other than the boredom I can see from my tutees, I see nothing more.

A lot of things that I worried - incompetence, anxiety and etc,

don't really happened in the session.

it is merely some sort of discussion to the point that

I just not being able YET to make it interesting.

It is more like transferring knowledge now.

For the sake of the certificate, money (which really kind of little),

and most importantly - to let myself to have a chance to use English more frequently.

Fortunately, I get something more.

The experience is something money can't buy.

Although it is only my second tutorial class,

and I happened to have 2 tutees dropout,

I still felt warm.

In fact, i feel the person who never leave,

is the one who really interested in it,

have the motivation to know more.

Of course, i know they having this mentality that

PAL sessions going to help them more compared to the lecturer.

I feel i have the responsibility to push them to attend lectures, by all means.

If it is because of me, then they choose not to attend lectures as

it seems that PAL is sufficient enough to provide the material.

I should be put to blame or at least I held responsibility for that as well.

Having said about the experience,

I feel warm when one of my tutees sent email to appreciate for my effort.

It certainly worth more than any penny would do.

It lifted a smile on me and push me strive harder (though I'm still lazy).

This shall be one of the most unforgettable experiences while I'm in HELP (or is this the only one?).

We shall see how the following 2 years would likely to be.

My baby you~

2010-09-26T12:08:00.001+08:00

as i look into your eyes
i see all the reasons why
my life's worth a thousand skies
you're the simplest love i've known
and the purest one i'll own
know you'll never be alone

my baby you
are the reason i could fly
and 'cause of you
i don't have to wonder why
baby you
there's no more just getting by
you're the reason i feel so alive
though these words i say are true
they still fail to capture you
as mere words can only do
how do i explain that smile
and how it turns my world around
keeping my feet on the ground

i will soothe you if you fall
i'll be right there if you call
you're my greatest love of all

arianna i feel so alive

A wonderful DREAM

2010-09-24T15:07:00.002+08:00

Past Saturday afternoon, my GF, Isaac and me was having discussion to work on ERB for PSY 201.

After having our lunch, it is normal for me to feel sleepy as I assume my blood are concentrating towards my stomach.

Then I went for a nap.

In that short nap, I had a wonderful dream!

A really wonderful dream, that I wish I could never have another,

because if there is another, it will no longer be as special as it was.

I dreamed of my father again.

Very clear this time, like he is back to alive again.

You and me know that it is impossible.

But in the dream, I believe everything is possible,

and I don't find myself have a single doubt to it.

Perhaps it is true that dream has a wish-fulfilling tendency jut like Freud said,

though it is proven scientifically that it wasn't true.

I wonder why he becomes a female figure in that dream,

maybe I wanted a more tender father as female is basically hold feminine and nurturing features.

Keep that aside.

What appears to be more exciting is that, he gave me a birthday gift!

he gave clues on how to find it, and i was really excited to search for it.

I burst into tears of joy once I found that present.

It is a Adidas basketball shoes!!! (why addidas? @@ maybe bcz I bought one?)

with cool design in which there is a stainless steel string-like thingy around that shoes.

Remember the olympic game in China, the "bird nest"?

that's what i meant!

COooooooooollllL isn't it?

I need to woke up in the end, anyway.

He didn't forget my birthday,

thanks for the early birthday gift,

my father...

******** I'm not good in using application to draw (neither in real life).

As you can see, the "drawing part" is the "bird nest" that I've mentioned.

WOW! this is almost the same like what I dreamt.

ps: of course the real thing in my dream is more awesome!!!

Dream

2010-09-16T20:04:00.004+08:00

I dreamed of him again.

But this time there is no him.

why then I said I dreamed of him again?

Because I found out in the dream itself that he is no longer exist.

I thought of seeing him in bed sleeping soundly, but the reality in dream as well put me into pain of realization that he is no longer available to me when I need him.

I felt a sense of lost.

I finally felt it.

There are countless time I wanted to cry but realize there is no one beside me for me to lean on.

Tears circled around but I never let it drops.

I move on.

I hope I can do it until the end.

some little pondering

2010-09-14T22:57:00.005+08:00

thought of this thing a little when my gf voiced out : "you put friends before me",

which in fact, I never put anyone before anyone but merely thinking of the best plan in terms of saving cost, time and etc.

But then it did guides me to thinking about whether which comes to first.

Logically speaking, my friends or especially some best friend which I knew since primary school, as I described, they were with me more than 14 years.

Although it is not very long, but it is neither too short.

A 14 years and more friendship is not something easy to maintain and to give up or let go so easily.

Like any kind of relationship, the more time you invested in, the deeper the relationship are.

It is not that kind of relationship that can be merely explains by the word "friendship".

It is something more.

It is then you grow up, you attracted to girls, or girls attracted to boys, or boy to boy, or girl to girl. Whatever it is, you start a romantic relationship.

It is commonly seen that people stepped out from their "friend"ship, and immersed themselves in the shower of love.

Then I wonder,

if your girl or boy saying you spent more time with your friends more than them,

is it something really intolerable?

A 14 years+ r'ship vs. maybe few months or weeks r'ship,

14 wins by number.

But then years of r'ship do not equivalent to the bonding; more years doesn't mean you are more close to each other.

And think about it again,

when your-another-half saying so,

why not the friends saying the same things as well?

I believe they do have the right to complain about friends become substitution when you are attached.

Frankly speaking, they are the one who also accompany through the pain, the happiness,

your moment of grief, your moment of loneliness.

They still spent time with you crazy-ing around, giving you advice,

support you financially when you are in deep shit and needed help.

they are there when your tears are all over the shirt and still sobbing wanted to leave the house.

And because of them, you are still in your house, and grateful that you never make that silly mistake.

Wow. I never thought that they are so significant until I really said it all out.

The best way should be the combination of both?

Win-win solution are definitely with the ability to balance up both.

I don't really care who comes first or another, as they are equally important to me.

I can lose neither.

Even if that stupid question arise again, asking who to save first when both of them are drop into the sea, I might as well drown myself too. Or perhaps, I will use the so-sweet-answer, to save my friends and jump back into the sea to die with my beloved.

Because I can't live w/o her, and I CONFIDENTLY sure she is as well neither to live in grief.

Suck English

2010-09-13T17:39:00.003+08:00

Omg-ness

I am so worst in expressing myself using English.

Doesn't matter whether it is written or verbal form, because I screwed up both.

Years after years, I thought my English will improve eventually.

But in fact, it is declining!

I am starting to worry how worst it can be.

Yeah, practice makes perfect,

but I never see myself practicing around!

Spending time over here typing thousand of words, is nevertheless a waste of time.

It doesn't as effective as it sounds.

Reading is the best, but I found it's hard to pick up a book.

Compared to my peers, I see vast improvement in them, whether it is presentation or in term of languages.

You can't blame for my competitive nature, I like to compare.

And I guess that's the only thing could get me antsy; I feel pressured.

With pressure, I push myself further.

I work well with pressure I guess.

It arouses my brain to work harder and think harder.

That can be an excuse I know, and I never deny the fact that it was one.

A good time management skill is crucial,

and my forethought ability is just not as good as an organized serial-killer.

Gotta discipline myself tougher than before, there are people I can't let them down.

It's 6.30.

TaTa, till the next time we meet.

"dulan"

2010-09-12T21:49:00.002+08:00

It is not Mulan, not Durian, or any other things have to do with du or lan.

I am feeling so pissed off in the past 30 minutes.

Reason?

I can't think of any, it came without any consent and went off leaving me back to normal again.

PMS?

this is the closest I can guess, but [I'm not a girl! not yet a woman] too. ~.~''

Can still joke, I assume I am really back to normal already.

this is the first time that this "dulan"ness felt so deep that I really feel like giving everything up.

But It is much better also in the sense that I could still regain some rational thought in the split second.

Not saying beating up people or vandalism, but merely feeling emo.

When feeling really rise, "rational" always sit by the side seeing "emotion" one man show.

Both superstar can't be on the stage at the same time.

Well, it's already 10.00pm.
Hope I still can get something done, at least.

I really hate the feeling where I have to settle everything in the end after day by day procrastination.

It felt like eating super hot curry chicken that is so appetizing

but suffer over another hole in the end.

HOT!

Productivity

2010-09-09T18:58:00.004+08:00

I am hardworking.

No no!

I have to rephrase that!

I seem like hardworking.

Borrowed books from library, plenty of it, carry by the side with my hand, shoulder hanged with a heavy laptop bag with laptop inside (if not?), I am a typical University boy (how you define today typical Uni boy? - Nerd? Trendy?).

I looked as if I am very busy with my stuff, hanging library, walk up and down.

Spent few weeks time with the borrowed book, did I really flip them through? At least once?

*shame shame* The answer is no.

I mean, I never went through them seriously, if I wasn't really paying attention on it,

how can I benefit from it?

I hate myself (not that extreme lah i think, lol) for not focus on the things I wanted to do.

There will be distraction going all around, always.

Make your priority right! (This is the first principle shown in wikiHow-How to be smart!)

What I did was that I hitting the bush aimlessly, I never clear with what things come first.

And this is what I get - nothing.

Logic right? You aim for nothing, and therefore, you get NOTHING.

I am not organized I admit.

I should do one thing at a time.

Yeah! that's the essence of being prioritize!

Aim first for the most important thing, and others subtle leave behind.

Simple thing is always the most difficult thing,

because no one believe it is so simple!

But it is!

Someone defined procrastination to me before,

using assignment as an example,

that if there is 0.0001 possibilities that tomorrow will be the end of the world,

you will choose not to do your assignment.

Of course he is trying to exaggerate the fact,

but he pinpoint one important truth,

that in general, people procrastinate whenever they've given chance or excuses.

"Oh, the due date is next month, don't worry, we still have plenty of time."

"Weekends are holiday! Assignment should work on study days- weekdays~!"

"I aint feeling well, ,man."

All of these are my excuses, you might be familiar if you are my kind (except TBK, she from other planet one, she said).

Okay, lesson one! ( how to be smart!)

Set goals once a week~

of course you can set daily goals, yearly goals or what so ever,

the important things are that,

1) you set the goals, and you do go for it,

2) and you set the goal according to their degree of importance.

3) punish yourself if you failed to follow.

4) reward yourself only when you met the criteria to be rewarded (you set yourself la of course).

see you next time!

A weird dream

2010-09-07T23:42:00.004+08:00

I had a dream.

I can't tell whether it happened on this morning or before the dawn.

It like a long dream, and it was 10 am the moment I woke up.

So, I assumed it happened late in the night and continues throughout the whole night till morning.

But inception told me dream moves faster than in reality,

then I shifted my thought, thinking it happened in this morning, right before I woke up.

But then feelings telling me, it was a really long long dream that I ever had.

I doubt myself...

Pondering... yet I wave white flag in the end to the memory.

What kind of dream is that that make me feel so unforgettable?

It is related to snake.

Not one or two but plenty of them.

One by one invading my house.

I can't tell whether they are intimidating me or not.

But I am clear that I trying to kill all of their same kind.

"In what way?" ,you might wonder.

I fail to recall but it should be a shampoo-alike "weapon" I have used.

It is quite frightening I could tell when I'm in the dream.

So real it happened though now I realize none of my senses operated at that time.

I pissed at my pants! (of course not literally).

Anyhow, it really scared me!

Good thing is that I never asked for help.

I am not begged for life either.

I choose to work it on my own.

Guess that is the message "inner me" wanted convey to the "reality-me".

I got the mail! In a scary way!

F*** you but thank you! ~.~

Aint the right time to take a rest.

2010-09-06T21:37:00.003+08:00

Should I take a good rest first before I get everything started OR

shouldn't I do so because I am lag behind the track.

Should I.... or shouldn't I..?

People, what do you think?

It is make sense to think that, 9 out of 10 people will pick the first option.

Of course I am talking about someone who knows me, or someone that are close to me - friends and family members.

No doubt they will be saying that right?

Reason is simple, how can you work on something well

when you aren't physically or mentally functioning well?

Like the old saying, a good start makes up the first half of the success.

However, this can be apply in both of the options.

In the former, I SHOULD take a good rest.

After the recovery, it is then I can have full energy to work on my stuff.

A good start in the sense that I am fully "equip" with mental power and physical power.

But thing does come in pair, it has it con too!

The moment I get back in my study, I am lagged so far behind compare to my peers!

Eh.. I should rephrase my sentence, "compare to my classmates! ( i am few years older than them, but peers by definition is the group of people that about the ages like you)",

which I really don't consider it is a good start anymore.

The second option?

It's simple, like what I've said, if I don't bother to take a good rest,

at least I am still "on track", not talking about how much can i really take on,

as in did the lessons really heard? or am I making good in the research process?

but at least I am physically present there.

I am still on track = a good start I supposed.

While typing, slowly I realize that I am convincing myself to take a good rest before I go any further.

The things that happened in my brain is really like so fast, that you can't even grab a whole picture of it.

Even if you happened to stay on one idea, the next moment it was flew away and the next thing come can be anything that doesn't related at all.

That's why a journal or diary like this helps to focus your mind.

I am glad that I've make a decision.

Although to be stay on track is good (but even now, I am already off-track),

but to be pushing yourself when you are not capable of doing so is really

a waste of time and energy, and it even make the matter worst when you aint

get any better because of frequent and continuous fatigue that you choose to put on.

Anyhow,

a good rest is as simply as getting a good night sleep.

Guess what?

I am sleeping now! See ya, friends!

Bad flu

2010-09-04T00:06:00.003+08:00

Having bad flu at this moment is really killing me.

A moment where there are tons of things I wanted to do.

And most of the things are related to books!

What flu has to do with book?

It's because even without flu, my nose is sensitive towards book up to certain extent,

now the matter turns even worst with this uninvited guest.

Sore throat at first, then cough, with some fever and ended up bad flu now.

Can i get any worst than this?

Choi choi choi!

I don't wish to at all. Even flu itself is torturing me to half dead.

Tutor training program is on tomorrow morning and I've yet to prepare the notes that I am going to present.

All of them went out, and I am alone here,

but at least I got companionship - BAD FLU.

Should be resting well but I procrastinate my work till now and

still there are other things that I wanted to get it done still on the waiting list.

I can work it out I believe.

Because that's the power of mind.

Facebook

2010-09-03T12:40:00.002+08:00

It seems that screening through Facebook is a daily routine to me.

The first thing comes after opening the internet browser would be definitely typing www.facebook.com.

Damn!

I hate that I've adopted this habit.

It doesn't seems to benefit me with the capacity of time it had took over in the past.

People updated their status from time to time, merely observing that can be entertaining.

A so-called social media, a media that is virtual and yet so real.

Live behind the persona that we nicely polished.

It is part of us of course, even the most pretended one.

Part of the reason should be because I hope that I was in someone mind today, or at least yesterday or the day before yesterday.

To show that we are still part of the group, part of the civilization.

To show that we are trendy, up to date, doing what others are doing.

Posted things in our mind, either filtered or wholly uncensored,

with an intention to let the world know the existence of us,

to gain attention, to face the world with a face on the book.

No one like to be ignore.

Everyone loves intention, and that's the reason Facebook is on where he is now.

He foresees what the world is lacking, the inner desire that no one can deny they never had.

Even the monk, the priest wants the attention from their almighty, so why not the lay men?

Maybe new invention would be the sensation to be touch.

Touchbook, anyone?

Step forward

2010-09-02T23:52:00.003+08:00

Had I make a big leap forward?

Or I'm still in process?

Anyhow, I know I've make it started and

at least the will to start is already a success itself.

*Small hand clap for myself.

I've applied to be a student tutor in this semester and the training program is on this Saturday.

I wonder whether I'm capable of doing it since I am a so introvert person in nature.

My nervous system comes alive when I get to knew that I have to prepare a 15 minutes "tutoring" session to senior tutors.

Wow!

It really tense me out!

I thought I am going to learn how to teach over there,

but now the first task for me is to teach the expert.

Although it is true that real practice comes to best improvement,

but obviously I still haven't warm my butt on the seat.

Mindset and attitude are important.

Have to hypnotize myself for just 15 minutes (it seems so short yet every seconds should be nerve-twisting!) that I am a EXPERT tutor!

Tough job (for me only of course) but I think I will work it out.

Regardless the result, bad or worst (where is the good outcomes? I doubt there is any. LOL),

I will only shame for one day or comes to worst, the whole semester.

But I have my whole life to back it up.

Seeing big picture , life vs. 15 minutes.

Like what Cheryl said, it is all depends on whether it worth what it served.

I THINK it is a YES! and so it will definitely worth every single minutes I going to invested in it.

See ya!

Chess games

2010-09-02T17:09:00.004+08:00

Are you someone who likes to play chess?

Then you should try out this website

www.chess.com

They provide chess games for people who love to play chess,

yet find it's hard to spare time for it.

how they did it?

The games can be play on hours basic, daily basic or even longer time as you wish per move.

In simple word, after one move from you, the opponent has 3 days (if you set it to be 3 days) time to has his move done.

Same goes to you, you got 3 days time to think for your move after the opponent move.

I bet you are thinking,

doesn't that a waste of time that one move required 3 days to make it move?

Then the game will be like forever to comes to an end.

You are definitely right.

but of course they foresee this type of problem,

and that's the reason you can have multiple games going on in the same time!

Wow!

and it's unlimited! ( I assume only, because the most i've experienced is 40+ games running in the same time and I never try more than that, that's a bit overwhelming already and I bet you won't play more than that too! SO, who cares whether it is unlimited or not?)

best of all,

the website is totally free!

unless you want more "vacation time" (an automatic system that put you on vacation time when you are away from the games for too long (eg: more than 3 days), gold members enjoy more vacation time and this features prevent you from losing your game in case you are on a vacation and have no internet access) and enjoy more extra special features,

otherwise, a free membership should serves you just right.

Why am I promoting this website?

Not on a money stance but simply wanting more friends to play chess and

i think this is a good lifelong hobby!

Come and JOIN~ Ce laviees!~

A voice recorder

2010-09-02T01:30:00.002+08:00

I've been wanting a voice recorder

since....

only few months back!

HAHA!

And now.. I already!.... still haven't got it.

Although I wanted to get one few months back,

but it is only until now I started to survey around what option I have.

Brand of course plays a major role,

the first goes into my mind is Sony.

Checked their product, reasonable and affordable prices by public, but definitely not me.

Calculating my budget, I am only willing to spent around RM200+ to get one.

Despite that, I am more fascinated by the product that range far away from my budget.

RM199 - Sony BX800

It has all what I need, long operation hours (55 hours in LP mode),

and 2GB storage (up to 534 hours in LP mode!).

Too bad it doesn't enable to connect to PC via USB port,

which I really found it is something necessary

(CH inspired me that maybe one day you suddenly wanna record your voice and put in PC ler?

and somemore in PC you can just click back or forward exactly at the point you wanted).

Of course Sony did have one with USB support,

sadly the price is kind of over with another RM100 to add on.

It's PX820 that worth RM299.

I don't expect to get a voice recorder with such prices though it might worth the penny I spent,

just somehow, I don't see the point spending so much on it. @@

Automatically, it is out!

It is then I saw or we (my gf and I) saw Olympus products.

Their products are somehow cheaper and around my budget (before discount from RM149 - 250 - with the features I wanted).

But of course cheaper price comes along with its toll on the features.

The battery life is shorter (33 hours and I don't get it because Sony is using triple A alkaline battery too)

Lower memory space (only 512 to 1052 mb but can records up to 600 hours - it's more than what Sony can provide! Voice quality is not that good maybe? that's why little space can provide longer hours than the Sony)

VN6500 is really attracted my eyes with its cheap price.

It's only RM 149 at Jusco Kepong where my last check point was.

Unfortunately again, it don't support PC link.

It did got sister who can do it, but I am afraid that M'sia doesn't has the model which called VN 6500PC.

Another much advanced model with greater storage and has USB port,

VN-6800PC, it's like only RM 250 +/-.

And somewhere I saw over online there is this 7800PC too.

Sigh! I am now overwhelming with too many different model

and yet the they(internet) can't really tell the differences between them.

Anyhow, let time judges which to pick,

as when the time I am too desperately to get one,

i will definitely have my answer at that moment.

Tomorrow or I suppose is today (pass 12 sudah) class is at 8am,

hope I can get up from my bed. see ya.

A Good Blamer

2010-08-28T03:17:00.002+08:00

A good blamer, indeed saying me.

I can blame the sky, the weather, the people, the ants but rarely the finger is pointing to myself.

Played Dota at the evening, I blamed friend for the reason he is not by my side in which

i consider he supposed to be doing it.

Carry with the distress emotion, every following matches never ring a victory bell.

Played Basketball, I blamed them too, I never told them of course.

For the reason that as if I never exist in the court,

for the reason they can't get the ball where it is obviously catchable.

For so so so many reasons, never once I thought it was my fault.

Only when the emotion get over,

this little rational thought emerges and gives the owner a big slap.

I had wrong too.

I did mistakes too.

Not one or two.

Not only in Dota, Basketball.

But throughout the day, one after another I've did.

Like what I've thought of,

I don't see them in the court too.

Neither I was there when they need help.

And,

big apologize to my girlfriend that I am not by her side when she needed me most.

Suck partner, I am.

Frankly speaking,

I never wanted to write blog.

When the button "new post" is there,

I am so reluctant to push the click.

I did push, eventually.

It is the little urge inside shouted with its best but softly listen,

that determined this post.

I get reminded of how important to write down my every single thought, regardless how naive, cruel, naked or whatever it is, for the reason it is part of me.

I can hear the school bell ringing soon although HELP never has one.

It gonna start in very sooN!

And yet I still have no clue what subjects to be taken.

Research never been done of course, but some advices I've heard from course mates.

Get it all done by tomorrow ba.

Night.

Small urge + Malacca trip part 1

2010-08-20T16:16:00.003+08:00

I have this little urge to blog while I was lying on the sofa doing nothing.

Reason?

I failed to have myself to take a little nap.

My mind is freaking lazy, it doesn't really doing what it supposed to be doing - thinking.

Or should I say, it is tired. It need a little more rest.

In a small dilemma choosing whether to nap (regenerate it) or to exercise (books said exercise works!).

As you can see, I chose to blog in the end.

Malacca 2 days trip isn't a waste.

I've learnt couples of things.

1) GPS is not something you should fully trusted on. Like human, they can went wrong too.

(it supposed to guides us to "ah ta satay" that only opens at night time, but it is a "ibu pejabat balai polis" when we reach the destination)

2) Neither people can be fully trusted on.

(we've asked many people for directions and recommendations, much of the information are misleading and not applicable)

3) Walked the way, walk the experience.

(Little walking did help us to familiarize with the tourism area.)

4) Expect failure if you never do homework.

(we failed to try few dishes and foods that we wanted to eat, because we never know where the locations are and their bussines hours). night-time satay, longkang mee, makko(baba nyonya food) and pork satay.)

5) Laughter is the best remedy for fatigue.

(we joked, we smiled, and we laughed. Thousand miles walking is like a little jog.)

6) Time management is certainly important.

(Planning comes along with success)

7) Check there is hot shower available in the bathroom before you jump into the water pool.

AND the list goes on... and on..

(add when i remember)

Good things are meant for share but of course not everything (eg: a good bf/gf).

We've shared food, drinks and the joys.

1st day

Economy mee for lunch, bought hokkien mee and fried rice for the dinner in the first day, together with twisties hot flavour as after-lunch-dessert.

2nd day

Cook burger with Gardenia Roti, using japanese mayonis sauce as adding element, coupled with baked bean as side dish, here goes the breakfast for the 2nd day.

Lunch for the day is local malacca cendol and a lot of weird name new creation cendols. It cools down our hot day exactly.

It is then our high tea time, we have baba nyonya dishes for it. Ayam pongteh, chap cai and asam fish are definitely a great appetite-satisfying foods. We can never have it enough. But it is definitely a disappointment that we can't have it in the well-recommended restaurant - makko.

Dinner time again!

Satay celup is always the must-try meal with the fresh raw prawn, si ham, and other seafood + ground-running animal's meat, dipped with on-the-spot mixed satay sauce, evening is never been so wonderful.

It is then our small "xiu ye" that we discovered it during my last trip to malacca - oyster fried egg is as well saliva-stimulating with the strong smell of garlic and balacan aroma.

Please have a try if you ever have the chance to visit to Malacca. - to be continued.

很久不见-

2010-08-13T19:40:00.002+08:00

很久没用华语来写部落格。

理由很简单，很麻烦。

我确确实实是个很嫌麻烦的人。

虽然有时很喜欢自找麻烦，但严格来讲，我是个只管自家事的小人。

日夜颠倒起先的理由很简单，

就不想那么早睡，就想在人烟毕际的期间，妄想的多争取怎样也不会增加的24小时。

那是一种错觉，一种潜意识尝试麻木的过程。

为何说尝试？因为有天你会醒来，发现自己还是很痛，累透的身体，换不到感觉一丝的同情。

然后，你依然尝试。

不甘心，不相信自己真的在浪费光阴。

日子好像很充实，因为每一天你都把身体累垮了。

虚假的充实，始终得不到名分。

慢慢，白天便成黑夜，黑夜不再是入眠的理由。

你发现，黑夜是思绪的开始，你说。

在黑夜，你想得更多。

因为，往往，在此刻，你有莫名的孤寂。

感慨着人生的一切。

以为自己的人生，就是人生的一切。

以为明天，就是今天，而今天，也跟昨天无异。

也愚昧的认为，那就是贴切的真理，人生的无奈。

活着，似乎是为了充实肚皮，让氧气贯穿身体，

纯粹的为了生理的需要而活着。

但就有那么一种感觉，事实是可以改变的。

未来是存在的。

那踏出的第一步，非常的重要。

也往往注定了你的一生，或精彩，或颓废。

一个水滴，可以成就海洋；也可以什么都不是。

你，想好要成为那一颗了吗？

I had a dream

2010-08-08T12:40:00.002+08:00

It is a nice one, indeed.

Still able to have dinner with him, though it is not a so official one.

Yet, I have warm feeling.

Boss brought wrong foods, but we still accept it.

Asking who wanted to eat, no one really do.

Then my dad said: no one eat then I finish all 3 lah.

WOW! it is just so him!

Craving about food. :)

That's one of my definition of him, perhaps?

Hope to see more of you.

We have a date, I'm offering.

Tonight, k?

moody moody

2010-08-08T00:46:00.003+08:00

Am I moody?
I not sure.
Moody or emotionless?
Feeling no mood in a way, but nothing in a way.
Contradicting within the realm of my inner battlefield.
Maybe Jung is right, there is opposing psychic exist together within a self.
How amazing it is, 2 polarized elements living together under single component,
that only human capable of doing it.

Visited back to my relatives house just now where my grandpa once lived in,
to pay my respect, and see him lying in the "big house".
He still looks handsome, calm and steady like he always was.
A peaceful leaving, i guess.

Anyway, here is how he passed away.
Fall down, sent to hospital, stayed around 2 or 3 days,
at 07/08/10 morning, he requested for kopi (that's what his culture was, a coffee as breakfast), after having few sips of milo(my mother brought 3-in-1 milo) as it is the only alternative because no coffee over there, he said he has it enough.
It is then my uncle brought kuih from the food court, he had 2 bite of it, and the nurse served milo (from hospital). Once he having the first sip, he vomitted all the foods that I've just mentioned, and that's the forever goodbye.

Chinese are pantang to die in hospital, as the dead-one's body will have to be disserted.
it is then the hospital suggested to cover my grandpa with towel, and bring it back to the house,
assuming he passes away in the home. My uncle and my mother did it of course.

How fragile one's life.
Like the tiny moving ants over the floor,
one drop of water could bring the end of their life.
We aren't any better than them.
Once heart beat stop, there end your last chapter of your life.

Your hero has fallen

2010-08-07T15:40:00.002+08:00

Fallen of another Great one, my grandpa.

It seems that as you grow, someone has to go to prove that you are growing.
Painful but hard truth.

Visited him few days ago, along with my little nephew, QFeng and mother.
I never expected that the first visit will turns into the last and only one.

Think this gonna be painful for my mother.
One after another, the man in her world.
I should've knew it earlier.
As there is no advice from doctor, or simply,
mother refuses to tell me what've doctor said,
as a way to consciously deny the consequence that everyone not wanted to have.

I think I've sensed that yesterday night.
As in, out of no reason, I stayed in cyber cafe,
from the night till morning, spending time alone.
This is rare.
I wonder too why I never wanted to go back.

Grateful for my mother, at least her decision to "jaga" my grandpa yesterday night is right.
She get to accompany her father till the last of his breath.
Grandpa would've feel grateful too.

One thing that I remember clearly about my grandpa is,
although he is not working, but he maintains to gave us RM20 as angpau money,
consistently, since small until now.
It might be little in other eyes,
but it like treasure for me.
His ang pau is the one that I anticipated most.
And now I can no longer get one.
I know what he means.
He urges me to move on my life, and get one for myself.
That I shouldn't be a small kid that keeps asking ang pau from others,
but making fortune for myself, with my bare hand.

I admired him, from the way he contributed to the earth too.
He never drove, but only ride bicycle in Banting.
He was strong and tough, but a fall ends the story of his life.
He might has a full stop in his life, but we all know that he leaves something that time can never
wash away - the memory, and we live not in the pain of grief but hold his hand of memory,
continue the pathway that once he had walk, and we move on.